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A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

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Dog script


(PIANO)

Garrison Keillor: Your dog is very very important in your life (WOOF) and you used to be self-conscious about that and then you went through therapy and faced up to your feelings (SS SOBBING) and then you were able to declare your love openly —

Sue Scott (PROCLAIMS): I love a dog. Rex. A mutt. And I don't care what anybody thinks — I love him. The men in my life were leg-humpers and biters and butt-sniffers and got into garbage cans. Rex doesn't. Sure he may drink from the toilet. But at least he leaves the lid down. He's my best friend. (WOOF) And if you can't accept that, tough — you're the one with the problem, not me. (BRIDGE)

GK: And so you found an excellent café where you and Rex could share a table. (TR FRENCH, DOG PANTING) Where Rex could enjoy a good wine without people staring at you. (DOG LAPPING) You found a salon where the stylist listened to how Rex wanted his hair (DOG DESCRIPTION, TR FRENCH). You found a personal trainer for Rex who held his ankles while he did sit-ups (DOG SITUPS). You found a group where Rex could get together with other dogs who'd been fixed and talk it out. (DOG WEEPING) And when vacation time rolled around, you didn't stick Rex in a kennel while you went off and had fun, you found a cruise line that accepts dogs, the Labrador-American Cruise Line. (BOAT HORN)

SS: The food was great, raw sirloin and chicken liver, and there was dog frisbee on the top deck (RUNNING, BARKING, LEAPING) and there was celebrity entertainment —Cybill Shepherd and the Pointer Sisters and Jerry Springer — and a hot tub where Rex could relax (BUBBLING) and slot machines with a little harness on the lever (SFX), and most of all, it was a chance for the two of us to have quality time together.

GK: That's the Labrador-American Cruise Line (BOAT HORN). Because what's a vacation if your best friend can't come along? (WOOF)

A Prairie Home Companion Cruise is produced by Prairie Home Productions, presented by American Public Media Group


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