A Prairie Home Companion from American Public Media: First Person

Appliance Death Pacts
by Linda Baldwin
January 24, 2007

What does a weed wacker have in common with a microwave oven? Time of death. Nothing associated with home ownership dies alone. The washer takes out the dryer. The curling iron demands the blow dryer. The dishwasher pacts with the disposal. But the weed wacker and the microwave? Do do do do? How can they communicate?

While the concept defies reason, it seems to be fact. An eerie truth, granted, but no more strange than the dryer eating socks, and one accepts that as a Life Truth. Once the disease gets into the house itself, though, the price tag climbs. The roof takes out the lawn. Leaking water pipes, too, will not die alone. They took with them the vacuum cleaner. So far, the trend is a couples thing and they check out two by two. Worse yet is when the trend graduates to a trio. I lied about the washer and dryer, come to think of it. They demanded the dishwasher as company. The disposal must have been an afterthought. Oh, I remember — the pipes died with the central AC. Another trio: the pipes and AC conscripted a toilet.

I know what you're thinking: that's what you get for buying an older home. Wrong! It was brand spanking new only, hmmmm, 1989 until (background finger counting)—17 years old! Still, if they can put a man on the moon...

When I think about the wrecks my parents bought in New England — fixer-uppers in their golden years — I don't recall this phenomena. The roofs were slate, so you replaced the occasional escapee. The pipes froze in the winter and had to be thawed. Come to think of it, the iced pipes would take out the car.

About the author:
As a freelance writer in sunny Florida, I'm currently enjoying full-time employment and a steady paycheck, for which I write businessese for a company that knows the existence of spellcheck is not a shortcut to effective writing. Hurrah.