What do you call a deer with no eyes?
Why do gorillas have big fingers?
Because they have large nostrils.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they can't remember the words.
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it's too far to walk.
What kind of bees give milk?
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
What's brown and sticky?
Where do you find a tortoise with no legs?
Right where you left it.
Why did the cookie visit the doctor?
He felt crummy.
What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line?
I'm the wiener!
Did you hear about the skunk who went to church?
He had his own pew!
Why couldn't the pony talk?
He was a little hoarse.
What should you do if you're eaten by an elephant?
Run around and around till you're all pooped out.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't, you get down from a goose.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
I don't know.
"It's cute, but can you really breathe through that thing?"
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
See, it works!
There was a nearsighted whale that followed the submarine, and every time it shot a torpedo, the whale passed out cigars.
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that rips your leg off then goes for help.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.69 and deer nuts are under a buck.
What is bright orange and sounds like a parrot?
What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield?
What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
He got pissed off!
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race?
They wound up in a tie.
This man buys a pet parrot and he brings him home and the parrot starts cursing him and using terrible language and insults his wife and finally the man picks up the parrot and throws him in the freezer to teach him a lesson. He can hear the parrot squawking and screaming in there, and then all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. And the man opens the freezer door and the parrot walks out and the parrot looks up at him and says, "I apologize for offending you and I humbly ask your forgiveness." The man says, "Well thank you, I forgive you." And the parrot says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"
Why should you never say "288" in polite conversation?
Because it's two gross!
Does this bus go to Duluth?
No, this bus goes beep beep.
She was only the stableman's daughter, but all the horsemen knew 'er"
A blind man picked up a hammer and saw.
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).