Once there was a Norwegian who took his wife with him wherever he went so that he wouldn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Ole and Sven went on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish, and Sven says,
The way I figger it, Ole, each of them fish cost us $400.
Well. At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more of em than we did.
I need to buy some boards there, Sven.
How long you want 'em, Ole?
Long time. I'm building a house, ya know.
So Lena was competing in the Sons of Norway Swim Meet and she came in in last place in the hundred-yard breast stroke and she said to the judges "Oh say, I don't vant to complain, but I tink those other two girls were using der arms"!
Sven and Ole went out duck hunting, and they worked at it for a couple hours and finally Sven says:
I wonder why aren't we getting any ducks, Ole?
I don't know. I wonder if we're throwing the dog high enough.
Did you hear about Ole's nephew Torvald who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
Yeah, he had it bronzed.
So Sven and Ole are walking home from the tavern late at night and they head down the railroad tracks, and Sven says,
This is the longest flight of stairs I ever climbed in my life.
And Ole says, Yeah, it's not the stairs that bother me so much, it's these low railings.
Hey Sven, how many Swedes does it take to grease a combine?
I don't know, Ole.
Only two, if you run them through real slow.
Mama, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?
No, it's because you're NINETEEN.
So what's the difference between a Norwegian and a canoe?
Well, a canoe will sometimes tip.
Say, I went and bought Lena a piano for her birthday and then about a week later I traded it in for a clarinet, because you know, with a clarinet, you can't sing.
So Ole got a car phone and on his way home on the freeway, he calls up Lena and he says, "Oh, Lena, I'm calling you from the freeway on my new car phone," and Lena says, "Be careful because on the radio they say that some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway," and Ole says, "One nut ---- heck, there are hundreds of them!"
So Ole was hiking in the mountains of Norway and he slips on a wet rock and he falls over the edge of a five-hundred-foot cliff, and he falls twenty feet and he grabs hold of a bush that's growing out of a rock. And there he is, he's hanging looking down at this deep fjord down below him -- certain death -- and his hands start to perspire and he starts to slip on this bush and he yells out, "Is anybody up there?" And he heard a deep voice rings out in the fjord, "I'm here, Ole. It's the Lord, Ole. Have faith. Let go of that bush and I will save you." Ole looked down, and he looked up, and he says, "Is anyone else up there?"
So, Ole --- I see you got a sign up that says, "Boat For Sale." But you don't own a boat, Ole. All you got is your old John Deere
tractor and your combine.
Yup, and they're boat for sale.
Hello? Funeral home?
It's Ole. My wife Lena died.
Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. We'll send someone right away to pick up the body. Where do you live?
At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.
Can you spell that for me?
How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?
So Sven and Ole go to the beach, and after a couple hours Sven says, "This ain't no fun. How come the girls aren't friendly to me?" "Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a potato in your swim trunks that would help." ---So Sven does, but he comes back to Ole later, and he says, "I tried what you told me with the potato, but it doesn't help." "No, Sven --- you're supposed to put the potato in the front."
In the middle of the show, a guy stands up and yells at the ventriloquist, "HEY! You've been making jokes about us Polish people enough! Cut it out!" And the ventriloquist says, "Take it easy. They're only jokes!" And the guy says, "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to that little guy sitting on your knee!"
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).