A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you send me a bill for $1000!
I can't pay that before the end of the month!
Okay, you have six months to live.

An old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, and a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. And the old man says, "I'm married to a beautiful twenty-two-year-old woman." The young man says, "What's wrong with that?" And the old man says, "I forgot where I live!"

The old lady walks up to the old man at the old age home and she says, "If you drop your pants I'll bet I can tell your age." So, the man drops his pants, and she says, "You're 83."
You're right! How could you tell?
You told me yesterday.

This man is celebrating his 90th birthday at the nursing home and his friends decide to surprise him and they wheel in this big birthday cake and out pops a beautiful young woman who says, "Hi, I can give you some super sex!" And the old man says, "Well, I guess I'll take the soup.

So give it to me straight, Doctor. I want to know the truth.
Very well. Your husband is in terrible shape, and if you want him to live, you're going to have to make sure he's well-fed and comfortable and happy at all times and you're going to have to make love to him three times a day.
Three times a day?
Three times a day.
(FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS AND STOP)
So what'd he say?
He says you're going to die.

What happened to you, Mr. Peebles? You look awful.
Well, Doctor, you told me to take this medicine for three days, then skip a day, and that skipping wore me out.

How much to have this tooth pulled?
Ninety dollars.
Ninety dollars for just a few minutes work?
Well, I can do it slower if you like.

So--- this man walks into the pharmacy and says, "Have you got cotton balls?" The pharmacist says, "What is this, a joke?"

May I help you, sir?
Yes---- I, uh----- well, this is sort of embarrassing, but --- I'm going out on a date tonight, and you know-- I need some, you know-
You need some protection.
Right.
Small, medium, or large?
Uhhhh. I guess, medium.
Okay, that'll be $2.35 including tax.
Tacks!!!! I thought they stayed on by themselves!

Say, Doctor? What was wrong with that nun who just came running out of your office? She looked terribly pale.
Well, I examined her, and told her she was pregnant.
Is she?
No, but it sure as hell cured her hiccups!

A nun comes into the office of the mother superior and whispers, "Mother Superior, we --uh -- we have discovered a case of syphilis."
Wonderful. I was getting tired of the Chablis.

Doctor, every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.
Are you taking anything for it?
Ground pepper!

Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawn mower.
That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him in sooner?
Because the neighbor just returned him this morning.

What's wrong with your brother?
He thinks he's a chicken, Doctor.
Really. How long has he thought this?
Three years.
Three years!
We would've brought him in sooner but we needed the eggs.

Hello? Is this the state mental hospital?
Yes, it is.
I'd like to speak to Mr. Russell in room 27.
One moment and I'll connect you........I'm sorry, Mr. Russell is not answering.
Good. That means I must have really escaped then.

A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear and he says, "What's the matter with me."

The psychiatrist says, "You're not eating properly."

LAWYERS

Are you a lawyer?
Yes.
How much do you charge?
A hundred dollars for four questions.
Isn't that awfully expensive?
Yes. What's your fourth question?

I dated a lawyer for awhile -- until one time she told me, "Stop and/or I'll slap your face."

So the lawyer is painting his house, when a hobo comes around and asks if he can do something to earn a few dollars, and the lawyer says, "Sure, take a can of this paint, and go around to the back of the house, and paint my porch." And the hobo does and fifteen minutes later he comes back and says that he's finished. The lawyer says, "Already?" And the hobo says, "Yeah, but it wasn't a Porsche, it was a Mercedes!"

A lawyer had just undergone surgery, and as he came out of the anesthesia, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure.