Class, it's an interesting linguistic fact that, in English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language in which a double positive can form a negative.
Waiter, how do you prepare your chickens?
Nothing special. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.
These vultures decided to fly to Florida on an airline and they got on board carrying six dead raccoons and the flight attendant said, "I'm sorry but there's a limit of two carrion per passenger."
One day this guy answers his door and there's a snail at his doorstep. So the guy picks up the snail and tosses it into the garden. Two years later, he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and it's the same snail. And the snail says, "Hey what was that all about?"
Two cannibals were sitting by a fire and one of them says, "Gee, I hate my mother-in-law." And the other says, "So, try the potatoes."
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods one day?
The mathematician, the physicist, and the engineer were given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume, so the mathematician measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral, and the physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement, and the engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.
The difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers is that mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
The optimist sees a glass that's half full.
The pessimist sees a glass that's half empty.
An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
Two guys are captured by cannibals and they're stuck naked in a big pot of water over a fire and the water gets hotter and hotter and all of a sudden, one guy starts laughing, and the other guy says, "What's so funny?" "I just peed in their soup!"
Do you prefer port, or sherry, darling?
Oh, port, by all means. To me, port is the apotheosis of wine. A glass of vintage port is almost orchestral in its complexity, and between the bouquet and the finish, there is such a panoply of colors, of tonal textures.
And sherry makes me fart.
How can you tell if you're at a bulimic's birthday party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.
You know, once it got so cold in Minnesota...
How cold did it get?
So cold, I woke up in the morning and found these little chunks of ice in my bed and when I warmed them up they went, pppppppppppppppp.
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your genes.
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and while he's talking to her, he starts eating the peanuts on her coffee table, and as he's leaving, he says, "Thanks for the peanuts, Grandma, sorry I ate them all." She says, "That's okay, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em anyway."
The police officer sees a car weaving back and forth down the highway and he takes off after it and pulls up alongside and the driver is a little old lady and she's knitting as she drives. He can't believe it and he yells at her, "Pull over! Pull over!" and she says, "No, it's a scarf!"
A man driving down the road gets pulled over by a policeman. The policeman says, "You're drunk." And the driver says, "Well thank God for that, I thought the steering had gone!"
The town cop was parked outside a bar at midnight, watching for drunk drivers, when he saw a man stumble out the door, trip over the curb, try thirty cars before opening the door to his own, and fall asleep on the front seat. One by one the drivers of the other cars drove off, and finally, the guy woke up, started his car and pulled out of the parking lot. The cop pulled him over and gave him a breathalyzer test. The results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the cop said, "How can that be?". The guy said, "Well, tonight was my turn to be the decoy."
So the two airline mechanics get off work at LaGuardia and one says, "Let's go have a beer," and the other says, "Why don't we try drinking jet fuel? I hear it tastes like whiskey, and you don't have any hangover in the morning." So they drink about a quart of it apiece and it tastes great and they have a good time, and the next morning, one of them calls up the other and he says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
I feel great.
Me too. No hangover.
Just one thing. Have you farted yet?
Well, DON'T. I'm calling from Phoenix!
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).