After twelve years in prison, a man finally escapes and when he gets home, filthy, exhausted, his wife says, "Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!"
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her.
Dad! I just got a part in the school play! I play the husband.
Too bad they didn't give you a speaking role.
So, what'll it be, mister?
Tell you what. I want eggs hard and burned around the edges, I want my bacon burnt to a crisp, and I want my toast blackened and hard, I want my coffee bitter, and when you bring me my food, I want you to yell at me.
What, are you crazy?
No, I'm homesick.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why are women's brains cheaper than men's brains?
Because women's are used.
Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
If a man is in the forest, talking to himself, with no woman around, is he still wrong?
If a woman is in the forest, talking to herself, with no man around, is she still complaining?
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What do you call a man who's lost 75% of his intelligence?
If I died, would you marry again?
Yes, I would.
And would you let her come into my house?
Would she sleep in my bed?
Would she use my golf clubs?
Oh, why not?
Because she's left-handed.
A woman was going through her husband's desk drawer and discovered three soybeans in an envelope containing $30 in cash. So she
asked him about it.
Well, I have to confess --- over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you. But every time I cheated I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself.
So where did the thirty dollars come from?
Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I decided to sell.
Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.
Men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and they've bought jewelry.
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).