A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 15, 1999

Wife wakes up in the middle of the night.
Husban is sittng on the bed crying.
She asks what's wrong.
He says, remember when your daddy caught us in your room when you were 16, and told me I'd have to marry you or he was gonna send me to jail for 30 years?
She says, yeah, but why are you thinking about that?
He says, I'd a been a free man today.

Ron Steiner, Chesterfield, MO

How do tell the difference between the Scottish regiment
and from the Irish regiments?

Well if you lift up the kilt and if it is a quarter
pounder it is a Mcdonald.

Maurice duBois, Northampton , ma

A (really bad) Catholic Joke as told to me by a Catholic:

The church bell ringer had recently left town and the priest and local parish were interviewing potential candidates. So far, those who had made it up the bell tower and tried to ring the huge bell just didn't have the right swing or strength to make it resonate.

The next candidate was quite eager and anxious to prove himself. Father greeted the young man and was about to fill out the paperwork when the candidate took a few steps back and said "I'll ring the bell for you! I'll show you I'm really good!!" He took a mad dash, jumped and crashed his face against the down swing of the bell.

Well! The Father and Priest had never seen a person use such a painful method to ring the bell... yet, they had to agree it was the sweetest, purest tone they had ever heard.
"Now look here, son, we can't let you go crashing....."

"Oh, you weren't convinced. I can do it again! Watch!!"
And again he ran, took a flying leap and smashed his face into the swinging bell. And once again, the bell let out a pure, solid ring unlike any heard before.

The Priest stepped in front of the young man. "I'm afraid we can't use this kind of talent here.."

The Y.Man replied "But this is my calling, I just know it is!" and dashed around the Priest toward the bell and jumped. He mistimed the swing of the bell, went flying through the bell tower window and fell 30 feet to his death.

A short time later, the police arrived are began filling out the accident report. The officer asked the Father and Priest about the young man's name.

"I don't know his name" said Father, "BUT HIS FACE SURE RANG A BELL.."

P Bargar, Zanesfield, oh

This is a poem I wrote a few years ago. It has often
been misinterpreted. However, I wish to state up front
that it has no "hidden meanings". It's a simple poem
about a man and the instrument with which he makes his

"The Trumpet Player" By Blaine McCormick

I toot when I am working
I toot when I'm at play
I even take some time to toot
Before I start my day

I like to toot in public
For me it's quite a show
But if I toot when I'm at church
They ask me if I'll go

And when I toot in restaurants
The patrons oft complain
But as they show me to the door
I'll stop and toot again

Sometimes when people crowd me
And violate my space
I'll walk right up in front of them
And toot right in their face

My fans will oft times come to me
With looks of awe and wonder
For when I give my loudest toots
They rumble out like thunder

So I can toot for pleasure
And I can toot for spite
But when I toot because of love
Then that's when tooting's right

I met a girl the other week
And she was rather cute
I knew that it would be a match
When she began to toot

We tooted through the evening
And on into the night
But when we tooted at her door
It never felt so right

I told her I'm forever hers
I hope that this will suit her
For she must love the man I am
'Cause, baby, I'm a tooter!

Blaine McCormick, Waco, TX

What's the difference between boogers and brocolli?

Kids won't eat brocolli!

Jeni Umble, Elkhart, IN

a man walked into a bar. he said ouch.

todd marsee, plymouth, mi

Our pastor told the story of "The Prodigal Son" to a first grade class. To check on understanding, he asked;
"Who was the most unhappy when the prodigal son returned?" An eager boy raised his hand and stated the
simple truth"The Fatted Calf".

Bob Williams, Olmsted Falls, OH

Cab Driver

A mother and daughter were riding in a cab though New York City
daughter noticed some scantily clad women loitering on a street
"Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work." the mother

"C'mon lady, they're hookers!" retorted the cab driver.

After a stunned silence, the daughter asked, "Mommy, do hookers have


"Of course," the mother replied, "where do you think cabbies come

don keith, portland, or

Have you heard about the latest trouble near Turkey? Well, this group of poeple, the Kurds want to have their own country, Kurdistan. Unfortunatly, Turkey isn't willing to give them the land and the "Curds" won't get their "whey".

Daniel Bensen , CA
Age: 15

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