Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 16, 1999
q: what's invisible and smells like carrots?
a: a rabbit fart.
q: what's brown and sticky?
a: a brown stick.
q: why is the sand at the beach wet?
a: because the sea weed.
q: how do you kill a circus?
a: go straight for the juggler.
q: what do you call 500 Indians without any apples?
a: the Indian apple-less 500.
two fish are in a tank and one says to the other:
"so how do we drive this thing?"
brian duong, sydney, NSW
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any
snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would just come down and talk to me?"
He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down
The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said,
"Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
Annamaria Cotroneo, Castelfranco Veneto / Emerald Hills , CA
Person 1: Uhh, what's that anyway?
Person 2: It's Brazillian.
Person 1: Wow, that's a lot.
Fred Wheeler, Latham, NY
yo momma so fat she had to hire a private detective to find her feet.
yo momma so dumb she sits at stop signs til her car runs out of gas.
(made up by my sixth graders)
richard kinst, oakland, ca
Julie, a blonde (naturally), was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a
handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Tom Kipp, Santa Ana, CA
The NYPD, the FBI, & the CIA have engaged for years in serious competition to determine which organization is the most deft apprehender of criminals. The President, wanting to resolve the question once and for all, releases a rabbit into a forest and challenges each organization to utilize its best methods to bring the rabbit in to him.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They place hidden microphones on all of the trees and motion detectors behind each rock. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no appologies.... the rabbit had it coming.
The NYPD goes in. A mere two hours later they come out leading a badly beaten
bear by the ear. The bear is yelling: "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."
Josh Byrne, Jersey City, NJ
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