Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 15, 1999
a Policeman joke
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in
the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What
seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route
Question: Why is the sky up so high?
Answer: So the birds won't bump their heads
Bruce Johnson, Casper, WY
There is a strange custom amoung a little-known African tribe. When
the old cheif dies, his throne his halled to the top of a hut, where it will
hang until his son comes of age. One day the son whas playing near this hut,
when the structure collapsed under the weight of the heavy throne. The throne
fell onto the boy, crushing him and killing him. The moral of the story: 'Those
who live in grass huts shouldn't stow thrones'
Daniel Bensen, CA
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette jumped off a bridge. Who hit the ground first?
The brunette. The blonde had to stop for directions on the way down, and the redhead stopped to find out what happened to the blonde.
Kathryn Richardson, New Orleans, LA
A guy goes to his doctor.
He walks in to the doctor's office. He's got a carrot sticking out of one ear, a parsnip out of the other and an asparagus stalk sticking out of each nostril.
He complains "Doc, I feel really, really terrible. What do you think is wrong?"
The doctors looks him up and down for a long time and finally says "First of all, I can tell you're not eating right."
Doug Dylla, Ithaca, NY
grew some didn't you?!
Jan Nelson, St. Charles, MO
(true story) Friend was in an Australian pub while Monica was being interviewed. He asked,"What do you think of all this?" Australian guy responded,"I thank god we got all the convicts and you got the puritans."
Dick Fuller, Columbus, oh
Joke # 1. (Long version):
Well, it seems that with Jesse Ventura as our new governor, there may be good news and bad news in store for those of us who are public employees.
The bad news being that since Jesse wants to trim government, those of us who provide frivolous and unnecessary services such as security and medical care in government facilities, pothole patching and snow and ice removal on public streets and highways, keeping poached salmon out of frying pans, and any number of other similarly time-wasting activities at the taxpayers' expense, may soon be losing our jobs.
The GOOD news, however, is that opportunities in more wholesome pursuits promise to abound in the soon to be legal and lucrative fields of prostitution, pimping, drug dealing, and ticket scalping. At long last, we will be able to hold our heads high, knowing we have become legitimate, contributing members of our communities.
Thank God. We finally have a governor with some common sense!
Joke # 2.:
Q: Why do some married women find snoring so annoying?
A: Because it's a constant reminder that their husbands are still breathing!
Mike Hanly, Mankato, MN
Farmer Brown thought it was time they had some piglets around the farm to liven things up. So he got on the horn with Father Jones and they made arrangements to get Bessie and Ernie together. Brown asked Jones how would he know if the sow was pregnant; Jones said, she'll be waddlin in the mud. After Brown loaded up the truck, the two hogs spent a whoopin good time together, Brown picked Bessie up. next morning he went to the window and was disappointed to see Bessie in the grass. Take two ... same story, loaded up the truck, etc etc. Next morning, he looks out the window and Bessie's in the grass. One more try, he figures. Loads up the truck, takes Bessie to Jones, picks her up, etc. Next morning Brown says to the wife, well, is she in the grass? Nooooo, says the wife. Excitedly, Brown says, she's in the mud, then. Noooo, says the wife. Puzzled, Brown says, well then, where is she??? In the truck, said the wife!
Barbara Gawle, Wethersfield, CT
Three Holy Sisters are killed in a car accident and soon appear at the gates of Heaven expecting to gain entry. St. Peter greets them by saying, "Before you can enter, you must answer a question I will pose for you so that I may judge your worthiness."
"Yes, St. Peter, we understand. Ask your questions."
"Sister number one, who was the first woman on earth?"
"Eve" came the reply.
"Right you are. Enter. Now, sister number two, who was the first man on earth?"
"Adam" she replied. "Right you are, sister. Enter. Now, sister number three, because you are a Mother Superior, this question will be more difficult. What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"
The Mother Superior thought and said, "My that's a hard one."
"Right you are! Go on in!"
Wayne Robbins, Castile, NY
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