A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 15, 1999


If you speak three languages you're tri-lingual.
If you speak two languages you're bi-lingual.
If you speak one language you're American.

Mark Shepard, Dayton, OH


A man is condemned to be hanged. They put the noose around his neck and ask, "Do you have any final words before we spring the trap?"

The man says, "Yes, I don't think this damned thing is safe."

Rem Johannsen, Kettering, OH


This really happened folks!
My friends who were nervous about Y2K asked,
"Dave, what are you doing to ready for Y2K?" I told them,

"The only thing that a person needs to do to get ready
for the year 2000 is to buy a new calendar."

Blank stares then laughter followed.

DAVID TOSTEN, MOUNDRIDGE, KS


How many Episcopalians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Change?! My grandfather gave me that lightbulb!


How many dear mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Don't mind me. I'll just sit in the dark.

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Have you got any duck food?"
"No," says the bartender.
Next day, the duck walks in again and asks, "Have you got any duck food?"
"I told you yesterday. No!" says the bartender.
Next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Have you got any duck food?"
The bartender says, "Look, duck, I didn't have any yesterday or the day before. I don't have any duck food. And if you come in tomorrow and ask for duck food, I'll nail your bill to the bar."
Next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Have you got any nails?"
"No," says the bartender.
"Oh," says the duck, "Have you got any duck food?"

Rem Johannsen, Kettering, OH


A doctor goes into the same bar every night and orders the same drink, a pecan daiquiri. One night the bar tender sees him come in and starts to mix his drink and finds there are no pecans so he subsitutes hickory nuts. The bar tender serves the drink and the doctor sips it and says "this is not a Pecan Daiquiri" and the bar tender says "No, it's a hickory daiquiri doc".

Steve Reilly, Hampton, VA


A baby seal walks into a club. (from the "Bob & Tom" show)

Lindsey Cook, MO
Age: 17


Q: How do you know when the orchestra stage is level?
A: There's drool coming out of both sides of the timpanist's mouth.

Lindsey Cook, MO
Age: 17


One day 3 men were walking on the beach. They saw an old lamp, and naturally, one of them picked it up and rubbed it. A genie came out and informed the men that since there were 3 of them, if it was okay, he would grant them each one wish. "well, sure", they said. The first man said, "Genie, I want to be the wisest man in the world." "okay", said the genie, and *pouf*, he was the wisest man in the world. "Genie, I want to be the richest man in the world." said the second man. "Okay", said the genie, and *pouf*, he was the richest man in the world. "So, what do you want?" the genie asked the third man. "Well, genie, I want to be even wiser than that guy, I want to be the wisest man in the universe, as wise as I can be." "Okay", said the genie, and *pouf*, he was a woman.

ANOTHER ONE, OKAY?

What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
DAM!

Elizabeth Ruckh, Brookfield, WI


What's the last thing to go through a fly mind right before it hits the window? His butt.

Nick Teeple, WI
Age: 13


q. Why did the buddhist tell the dentist not to give him any novacaine when he filled his tooth?

a. He was trying to transcend dental medication

jean hynes, albany, ny


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