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A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 15, 1999

What happends when a blond throws a bomb at you?
You pull the pin and throw it back.

Adena Spadaro, RI
Age: 10

There was a typical blonde named Suzy. One day she went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the shepherd over.
"Hey, That's a real nice flock of sheep," she said.
"Well, thank you, miss" said the herder.
"I have a proposition for you," said Suzy. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Why, Sure," said the herder, convinced no one could guess exactly.
So Suzy sat up and looked at the herd for a few seconds, then replied, "178".
"Wow!" said the herder. "Incredible. That's exactly right. Go ahead and pick out any sheep you want to take home.". So Suzy went and picked one out and put it in her car.
The herder leaned over the convertible and said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you."
"What is it?" queried Suzy.
"Well," said the herder, "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

John Teeple, Rubicon, WI

I'm just passing along a couple of jokes that have come my way via the internet...

1. A man walks into a bar, leading an alligator on a leash.

"You serve lawyers here?" he asks the bartender.

"Sure do," the bartender replies.

"Great, then, I'll have a beer, and a lawyer for my gator."


2. A horse walks into a bar the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

(Old as the hills, but good for a yuck...)


3. Prepare yourself, this one's a triple-groaner...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the tellers name is Patricia Whack. So he says,

"Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says it's Kermit Jagger and that it's okay--he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything to use as collateral.

"Sure," the frog says. "I have this." He produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant about half an inch tall.

Very confused, Ms Whack explains that she'll have to consult the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog out there called Kermit Jagger who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks her in the eye and says:

"It's a Knick Knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


Dawn Graham, Arlington Hts, IL

Yo Ma Ma is so fat, they have to measure how fast she is running on the Richter scale!

Harry Darling, Burnt Hills, NY

A Hindu, a Jew and a lawyer are driving down a country road. Their car breaks down, and they walk to the nearest farmhouse for help. The farmer answers the door and lets them in. "I can drive you to the garage in town tomorrow, boys," he says, "but it's too late tonight. I have a spare bedroom with a double bed, but that's all, so one of you will have to sleep out in the barn."
The Hindu volunteers, so everyone beds down for the night and he walks out to the barn.
Five minutes later, he comes back and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, he explains: "Sir, I don't mean to belittle your hospitality, but there's a cow out in the barn, and to us Hindus, the idea of keeping such a sacred animal in captivity is very uncomfortable. I can't sleep out there."
The Jew steps to the door and volunteers to go in the Hindu's place. But, sure enough, five minutes later he is knocking on the door as well. "There's a pig in the barn," he explains, "and Jews consider pigs to be very unclean animals. I'm afraid I would much rather sleep inside, too."
The lawyer, in a huff, says: "All right, if you two can't handle sleeping in the barn, I'll go." And he stomps out of the farmhouse.
Five minutes later, the cow and the pig come knocking at the door . . .

Maurice Meilleur, Bloomington, IN

A visitor to a dude ranch is walking around the corral one day, and sees one of the older hands feeding the horses. He walks over and strikes up a conversation.
"How long have you worked here?", he asks.
"Twenty-five years," the ranch hand says.
"Ever had any accidents?"
"Nope," says the ranch hand, "none at all."
"Really?", says the visitor. "Twenty-five years, and not a single problem?"
"Well," says the ranch hand, "I did get bit on the hand by a horse, once."
"Well, isn't that an accident?", asks the visitor.
"Nope," says the ranch hand. "He bit me on purpose."

Maurice Meilleur, Bloomington, IN

Q: Do you know what to do if you get swallowed by an elephant?
A: Run around till you get "pooped" out.

Larry Wilcox, Rochester(see ya 4/18), NY

A elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him :

"Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been
farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially
because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I
just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've
been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."

The doctor nodded and gave her some pills. "Here take
these for two weeks and see me again when you are done."

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as
instructed. Infuriated she confronted the doctor. "What
kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as
much, they still don't make any noise but now they
stink terribly!"

The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your
sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing."

Rockin D Rick Desgrange, Flint, MI

So the two airline mechanics get off work at LaGuardia,
NY and one says, "Let's go have a beer", and the other
says, "Why don't we try drinking jet fuel? I hear it
tastes like whiskey, and you don't have any hangover
in the morning."

So they drink about a quart of it apiece and it tastes
great and they have a good time, but the next morning,
one of them calls up the other and he says,

"Hey, how do you feel?"
"I feel great."
"Me too. No hangover. Just one thing. Have you farted
"No---- "
"Well, DON'T. I'm calling from Phoenix!"

Rockin D Rick Desgrange, Flint, MI

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