Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 16, 1999
Three gents in a bar are discussing a female acquaintance who is trying to have a family without success. The first says,"I believe she is impregnable." The second says, "I think she is inconceivable." The third disagreed, saying "You're both off the mark, she is obviously unbearable."
Edwin Scruggs, Ft Worth, TX
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One
of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.
The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for a blood test."
The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are
The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood
test they cut my finger."
Hearing this, the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked the other,"Why
are you crying?"
Then the second guy replied, "I'm here for a urine test"
Rockin D Rick Desgrange, Flint, MI
The Priest noticed the little boy throughout the service. The boy never seemed to take his eyes off a plaque on the wall of the church.
After the service the boy tugged on the Priest's robe and asked about the plaque. The Priest said, "Those are the names of all the people who died in The Service here." The boy's eyes grew wide as he asked back, The 9:00 service or the 10:30? "
Brenda Lindblom, Jacksonville, AL
There's a nudist colony for intellectuals in England. Two old men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, "I say, old boy, have you read Marx?"
And the other says, "Yes . . . I believe it's these wicker chairs." (I actually
got this one from my friend Steve.)
Terry Burnsed, Denver, CO
A guy walks into a shrinks office, with a banana stuck up his nose, a cucumber in his ear, a watermellon under one arm, and a ham tucked in the wasteband of his pants. he says: doc, something's wrong, I don't know what it is but, you gotta help me. the doctor takes one look at him and says: well, for starters, your not eating right.
Justin Style, East Hanover, NJ
A farmer was taking a pig with one wooden leg on a walk in town one day . . . on a leash. A man stopped the farmer on the sidewalk and tried to satisfy his understandable curiousity by asking, "Why does your pig have one wooden leg?"
"Let me tell you about this pig. This is ONE SPECIAL PIG! About two months ago I spent all day Saturday cleaning out the underbrush in the woods behind my cabin. When I finished at the end of the day, I went back to the cabin, ate dinner, and went to bed. I was so tired that I slept incredibly soundly. The cabin caught fire during the night. I didn't know it, but the pig did! Just before my cabin crashed down upon me in a pile of burning embers, this pig grabbed me and dragged me out of the cabin, saving my life. This is one special pig!!"
"Yes, I can see he's special, but why does he have one wooden leg?" asked the man again.
"Let me tell you something else about this pig. About a month ago, the pig and I were taking a relaxing Sunday drive in my pickup truck. The pig was sitting in the front seat with me. All of a sudden, something made me sneeze violently. I lost control of the truck, ran off the road, and hit a tree head-on. The crash knocked me out cold. The truck caught fire. Just before the pickup exploded in a big ball of fire, the pig once again came to my rescue. He grabbed me and dragged me to safety. This is REALLY a special pig!!!"
Now obviously agitated at not receiving an answer to his seemingly simple question, the man yelled, "OK, so he's special! Why does he have ONE WOODEN LEG?!?!?!"
"Well, good grief, man. A pig that good, you can't eat him all at once!"
Steve West, Oklahoma City, OK
Do you know the difference between Heaven & Hell?
In Heaven the Swiss run the Finances, the Italians are in charge of Cooking, the French are in charge of Romance, the Germans are in charge of Production, and the English are in charge of the Police. In Hell, the Swiss run Romance, the Italians run Production, the French run Finances, the Germans are in charge of the Police and the English are in charge of Cooking!
Harry Gustafson, Jr., Rockton, IL
A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I had an affair with a married woman". The Priest said, "With whom? Don't tell me! Let me guess. Was it Mrs. O'Malley?" "No, Father" "Mrs. O'Brien?" "No, Father." "Was it Mrs. O'Shaunessy, then?" "No, Father" On the way out the man meets a friend who asks him, "What did you get?" "Five Hail Mary's and three good leads!"
Harry Gustafson, Jr., Rockton, Il
A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are on a roof. They all jump off at the same time, who lands first?
The dumb blonde, because everyone knows there's no such thing as Santa Claus or a smart blonde!
Dana Gustafson, IL
A new pastor was out visiting his parishioners one Saturday afternoon. All went well until he came to one house. Although it was obvious someone was home, no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he pulled out his card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back and stuck it in the door.
The next day he as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10."
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and oen the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
A couple had two young sons, 8 and 10 years of age. The boys were very mischevious and if there was any trouble in town, the couple could be assured that their sons were involved.
There was a clergyman in town who had a reputation for being able to discipline children. So, the couple decided to send their young sons to talk to the clergyman.
The clergyman asked to speak to the boys individually. So, the 8 year old went in first. The clergyman sat him in a chair and asked the boy sternly, "where is God?"
The boy made no attempt to answer the question so the clergyman asked him again, this time in an even more stern voice, "Where Is God?"
The boy still made no attempt to answer so the clergyman asked him in a loud and stern voice, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At this the boy bolted from the chair and ran home, shuting himself in a closet.
The older brother came and asked him, "what is wrong?" The younger boy replied,
"we are in BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we have something
to do with it!"
Michele Kahle, Clifton Forge, VA
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