A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 16, 1999


A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi were all celebrating their 25th anniversary of service. The catholic parish gave the Father a cadillac. Not to be outdone, the Lutheran Church next door gave its pastor a cadillac too. And not to be outdone, the synagogue next door gave its rabbi a cadillac also. Well the Father said that that the car needed to be blessed, so he sprinkled holy water on the car. The Lutheran pastor, not to be oversadowed by what the priest did, had a pot-luck supper to dedicate the car. Well the rabbi, not wanting to be overshadowed by the priest and the pastor doing something special for their cars thought about what he could do. He decided to cut 2 inches off the tailpipe.

Chet Shoaf, Lakewood, CO


An old man called the fire dept. to report that his barn was burning down.When asked by the dispatcher"How do we get there" the old man replied "What happened to them big red trucks ya'll had?"

Darren Rison, Irvine, Ky


A priest and a rabbi had been friends for many years. One evening over a cup of coffee the priest turned to the rabbi and said "My friend, we've known each other for a long time and there's something I've always wondered. Have you ever tasted ham?" "Well," said the rabbi looking a little sheepish, "I must admit, when I was a very young man and curious, I tasted some ham. Now tell me, my old friend" the rabbi said to the priest, "there's something I've always wondered, have you ever been with a woman?" "My friend," answered the priest, "I must confess, when I was a young man, before I entered the priesthood, yes, I have been with a woman." The rabbi smiled at the priest and said, "It's better than ham, isn't it."

Carole Goguen, Enfield, NH


Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows when to stop."

Michael Gillstrap, Hampshire, TN


Four people were riding in a train coach. A woman and her beautiful 19 year old daughter, and facing them were an Army private escorting the Army General. The train enters a tunnel and the cabin becomes dark. A kiss is heard followed by a slap. The mother thinks, "That young man stole a kiss from my daughter and she rightfully slapped him." The daughter thinks, "That young man tried to kiss me and kissed my mother by mistake and got slapped." The General thinks, "That young man stole a kiss and I got slapped by mistake." The Private thinks, "I'm pretty smart, I kiss the back of my hand and get to hit the General."

Paul Slaughter, Estherville, IA


A drunk at a bar looks up to see a very prim and proper lady with a French poodle. The drunk surls "Where did you get that pig?". The lady with a look of suprise snaps back, "I'll have you know that it a Frrrench Poodle".

The drunk looks at her and says "I was talking to the French Poodle".

Allen Wilson, Killen, Al


Mahatma Gandhi was a great and spiritual man who spent his
life walking the length of India and fasting. As a result,
he was thin and frail with roughened feet and bad breath
caused by the fasting. In fact, he was often referred to
as a super calloused fragile mystic plagued with
halitosis

Fred Fishel, Rockville Centre, NY


How many human beings does it take to change a light bulb?
Six billion and one:
One to hold the light bulb and six billion to screw
the earth.

Tom Janzen, Norwood, MA


I may have got this from you.

"I want to die like my grandfather:
peacefully in my sleep,
and not screaming and terrified like the persons in his
car.

Nelson Helm, Louisville, KY
Age: >18


What's 668?

The Neighbor of the Beast...

Rob Edwards, Raleigh, NC


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