A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 16, 1999


Why don't Baptists make love standing up?
Answer: Because it leads to dancing.

DAVID NIXON, DELMONT, NJ


An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect sai he enjoyed time with his wire, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, I like both. "Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Ruby Basler, Stillwater, OK


Taking a break from a busy day of seeing patients, a proctologist goes golfing. He finishes the first hole, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Dang it!" he says, "Some butthole has my pen."

Celeste Headlee, Flagstaff, AZ


An old Jew and an old chinaman are walking down the street, when suddenly the Jew turns and hits the chinaman,
knocking him to the ground. "Hey, what was that for"?, asks the chinaman. "That was for Pearl Harbor", said the Jew. "That was the Japanese, you idiot. I am Chinese".
"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference", said the Jew.
They continue on their way, when suddenly the Chinaman
turns and hits the Jew, knocking him to the ground. "Hey,
what was that for"?, asks the Jew. "That was for the Titanic", said the Chinaman. "The Titanic!? That was an iceburg, you idiot". The Chinaman replied, "Iceburg, Goldburg, what's the difference".

Alan Burnett, Livonia, MI


I submit for your pleasure (?) and possible use in this year’s joke show the following two sets of groaners and two knock knocks "who’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive me!" and my favorite knock knock joke: "You start ...."
And now tada:
What’s Buckwheat’s first name? Buck
Buckwheat’s sister? SueWheat (Sweet)
Buckwheat’s crazy brother? Cracked
Buckwheat’s dumber brother? Half
Buckwheat’s canary? Twheat
Had enough? I Qweat!

And now for the real audibles – the following are all to be pronounced with a vigorous throat clearing Arrrrr!

What is a pirate’s favorite toy store? Toys ARRRRR Us
What is a pirate’s favorite snack? PizzARRRR
What is a pirate’s favorite holiday? ARRRRRbor Day
What is a pirate’s favorite opponent? The ARRRRRmy
What does a retired pirate do? GARRRRRden
What is a pirate’s favorite radio network? N.P.ARRRRR
What is a pirate’s favorite drink? ARRRRRange juice
What does a pirate do on spring break? PARRRRRty
How do pirates settle disputes? ARRRRRbitrate
Who is a pirate’s favorite Greek Goddess? ARRRRRtemis
What is a pirate’s favorite car part? CARRRRRbARRRRRatARRRRRRR

Michael Frishman, Andover, MA


Question: How many actors does it take to change a
light bulb on the stage?

Answer: One, but the five actors in the audience will
all say "Yes, well, he did his part all right,
but I could have done it better."

Bruce Johnson, Casper, WY


How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. But it has to really want to change.

Katherine Zander, Boulder City, NV


Reverend Dan was selling his horse. He placed his add in the paper and soon a buyer came calling. The buyer looked over the horse and decided the price was right for such a fine animal. Rev. Dan explained to the gentleman that the horse only responded to biblical commands. To make the horse go the command was "Praise the Lord", the command to make the horse stop was "Hallelujah". The man then handed Rev. Dan the money and climbed on the horse. "Praise the Lord", called the horses new owner. The horse responed by moving in a light trot. "Praise the Lord", said the man. The horse then picked up the pace. Amazed by this, the man then said one more time, "Praise the Lord". The horse then proceeded to run in full gallop. The man suddenly noticed that his new steed was fast approaching a ravine. "Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah", shouted the man. The horse then responded by sliding to a stop just inches from the edge of the ravine. The man then opened his eyes and looked down over the edge. He sighed his relief with the words, "Praise the Lord!"

Ken Grantham, Bullhead City, AZ


bumper sticker:

a day without sunshine is like .. .. night

bruce Johnson, Casper, WY


So there are 6 potatoes standing on the street corner. How do you know which one is the prostitute?
-The one that says Idaho.

Emilie Oxender, Sturgis, MI
Age: 18


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