A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 16, 1999

A Scotsman and an Englishman were riding on a train from Edinburgh to London. The Scotsman turned to the Englishman and asked him, "Sir, how did you like my country?"

There was no answer, so the Scotsman asked again. "Sir, how did you like my country?"

Again, there was no answer. So the Scotsman grabbed the Englishman and said, "Sir, I asked you how you liked my country!"

Finally, the Englishman replied. "I'll tell you sir: It's too cold, it's too wet, and there are too many Presbyterians!"

The Scotsman replied, "Well, sir, you can just go to hell. Because there it's plenty hot, it's plenty dry, and there are NO Presbyterians!"

Dan Brubaker, Woodbridge, VA

During a meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the Secretary of Defense said, "It's noon. Let's break for lunch and return in an hour. For you in the Army, that's 1300 hours. For the Navy, that's two bells. For the Air Force, that's 1 PM. And for the Marines, that's when the big hand is on the twelve and the little hand is on the one."

John Brubaker, Woodbridge, VA

Olie was in the drugstore with his young son. The young boy pointed to a shelf and asked, "What are those, Dad?"

Olie replied, "Those are condoms, son. They're for protection during sex."

"Why are some three-to-a-pack?"

"That's for when you're in high school: Two for Friday night and one for Saturday night."

"Why are some six-to-a-pack?"

"That's for when you're in college. There's two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday morning."

"And there are some twelve-to-a-pack. What are they for?"

"That's for when you're married. There's one for January, one for February..."

John Brubaker, Woodbridge, VA

My Grandfather went to a magic show at one of the local theatres where the magician called him out of the audience and requested his watch as part of the act. After much hesitation my grandfather gave the magician his watch who proceeded to put it in a handkerchief and smash it with a hammer. My grandfather roared and the magician checked the handkerchief and then asked my grandfather to be seated without the watch. After the show, my grandfather asked about the whereabouts of his watch. After much stalling the magician suggested that he take my grandfather to supper, and ordered pork pie for dinner. When my grandfather broke open the pie with his fork, guess what he found? Pork :o)

Mark White, Fairhaven, MA

"What's the capital of Alaska"?
"I don't know. Juneau?
Juneau !!
"I don't know. Juneau?
Juneau !!
"I don't know. Juneau?

Al Bush, Little Canada, Mn.

Q:What kind of cookie can you fold up when you put it away?

A: Oreo-gami!

Pete Walbridge, St. Paul, MN

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you pick up peanuts with that thing???

Elizabeth Boxler, Golden, CO

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?


Grigoriy Eidinov, Pottsville, PA

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Fish

Grigoriy Eidinov, Pottsville, PA

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