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A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 16, 1999


Two men are walking down the sidewalk when they encounter a dog licking his groin. The first man says to his buddy, "I sure wish I could do that." His friend says, "Well, if you are going to try, you had better let him smell your hand first."

Ben West, Provo, UT


Q: What does dyslectic, insomniac, agnostic do?

A: Lays awake at night wondering if there is a Dog.

Grigoriy Eidinov, Pottsville, PA


Abram comes to Rabbi and says:
"Rabbi, I have a greatest sorrow to tell you. I had a son, nice Jewish boy, as you know, and I rased him by the laws of Tora and he went to Yeshiva, but he grew up, baptized and became Christian."
And Rabbi says:
"Abram, your are not going to believe this, but I also had a son, nice Jewish boy, and I rased him by the laws of Tora and he went to Yeshiva and he grew up, baptized and became Christian. Let us pray"
And they stand on their knees and they start to pray, all of the sudden there is thunder and lightning and they hear a deep voice from above:
"Your a not going to believe this guys, but I also had a son, a nice Jewish boy...

Grigoriy Eidinov, Pottsville, PA


(This is a shaggy-dog joke.)

A weaver from the North of England decides to emigrate to America, at the same time as a baker from the Tandoor region of India. They arrive separately in the US and eventually find their ways to San Francisco, where they are both welcomed by the emigre community, who introduce them. Well, of course each wants to set up shop. Someone suggests they open a place together -- the weaver with his spinning wheel, skeins of wool and cotton, and his loom on one side, and the baker with the smell of fresh-baked bread and maybe a tea shop on the other side. The two immigrants think it's a great idea. Their new friends help them with bank loans, finding a place, etc. All goes smoothly and they're getting ready to open when somone realizes they haven't thought of a name for their joint venture yet. Everyone goes into a naming-frenzy, until one of them comes up with "Yeast Meets Weft."

Bill Engelke, Sylvania, , OH


What do you get when you cross Viagra with Miracle Grow?
Tomatoes that you don't have to stake.

What happens when you give Viagra to a lawyer?
He gets taller.

Rita Gillmer, Baton Rouge,, LA


Two southern gentlemen talking about weekend plans:

1) What are you going to be doing this weekend?
2) I'm takin' my girlfriend to Florida.
1) Are you goin' to Tampa with her?
2) Miami


John Odgers, Lake Oswego, OR


How about some one-liners? I hope I haven't recycled them from your shows.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember that half the people you know are below average.
Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

Rita Gillmer, Baton Rouge,, LA


Dog Breeds That Didn't Make It

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Bloodhound + Borzoi
Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You almost enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word 'equity' means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

Deborah Moschkin, Valrico, FL


What's the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral?
One less drink.

Why don't they have blind sky divers?
It scares the hell out of the dogs.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, and tree surgeons debarked?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

Rita Gillmer, Baton Rouge, , LA


POOR MILDRED

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

David Short, Chicago, IL


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