Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 21, 1999
This string walks into a bar, the bartender says we don't serve strings here. The string insists he need a drink and persists...till they throw him out. He shakes off the dust all the time thinking he needs a drink and looks over and spots a pair of sunglasses and puts them on and returns to the bar. The bartender looks at him real close and says I told you once we don't serve strings in here...and throws him out again. The string straightens himself sets forlorn on the curb thinking how nice it would be to have a drink. He then spots a hat, puts it on with dark glasses and finds some fur for a fake beard and mustash, walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks real close takes a while and says...I told you for the last time we don't serve strings...and throws him out even harder than before. The string tumbles to the edge of the street and in real desperation throws the hat, glasses, and fake beard as far as he can throw them, bout then he gets another idea...he twists and turns and pulls himself into a knot, takes both ends of himself and just brushes out fibers till its nothing but fluff on both ends, goes back in the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks real close, studies him, and says...say aren't you that string?. NOPE, FRAID KNOT!
Once a man having recurring problems with gas decided the issue was so bad he would consult with his doctor. He told the doctor, "Hey, doc, you know every time I pass wind, it makes this weird sound: 'honda, honda, honda'."
Hugh Downs was announcing the arrival of guests at a party. He was tired and asked that I take over for awhile. I said sure. Well, while he was gone, who should arrive at the party but Gregor Mendel, the famous monk who did heredity studies with flowers. So, of course, I introduced him. The crowd, however, looked at me in amazement. They said, "He's not Hugh Downs! How dare he announce the arrival of the great Gregor Mendel!" A riot soon started and I had to flee for my life! As I was leaving, who should I run into but Smoky the Bear! "Smoky!" I shouted, "What has gotten into these people. They want to kill me!" Smokey just shook his head in disappointment. "Haven't you been listening all these years? Everyone knows, Only Hugh can present florist friars."
A sailor and pirate were discussing their adventures at sea. The sailor couldn't help but notice the pirate had a peg leg, hook, and patch over his eye, and asked him how this came to be.
These days a knock at the door can lead to an invasion of
So this state trooper was patroling on the side of a road, and he sees this car driving down the highway at a snail's pace. He pulls the car over, and he sees a nun at the wheel.
Did you hear about the two maggots that were making love in dead ernest?
Question: What candy is Ole stockpiling up on for
A Cowboy, An Indian, A Mexican, and A Rabbi all walk into a bar, the Bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of a joke?"