A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 21, 1999

This string walks into a bar, the bartender says we don't serve strings here. The string insists he need a drink and persists...till they throw him out. He shakes off the dust all the time thinking he needs a drink and looks over and spots a pair of sunglasses and puts them on and returns to the bar. The bartender looks at him real close and says I told you once we don't serve strings in here...and throws him out again. The string straightens himself sets forlorn on the curb thinking how nice it would be to have a drink. He then spots a hat, puts it on with dark glasses and finds some fur for a fake beard and mustash, walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks real close takes a while and says...I told you for the last time we don't serve strings...and throws him out even harder than before. The string tumbles to the edge of the street and in real desperation throws the hat, glasses, and fake beard as far as he can throw them, bout then he gets another idea...he twists and turns and pulls himself into a knot, takes both ends of himself and just brushes out fibers till its nothing but fluff on both ends, goes back in the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks real close, studies him, and says...say aren't you that string?. NOPE, FRAID KNOT!

Don Wilson, Tahlequah, Ok

Once a man having recurring problems with gas decided the issue was so bad he would consult with his doctor. He told the doctor, "Hey, doc, you know every time I pass wind, it makes this weird sound: 'honda, honda, honda'."

The doctor grew contemplative and scratched his head, then asked to look into the man's mouth. The man obliged, and the doctor responded with "A-HA, I have it! My pet theory is correct! Thank you."

"Well, doc - what was it?"

"In the back of your mouth is a large abscess, just along the back molars. Thank you again for confirming my theory, sir!"

"What's your theory?!"

"Abscess makes the fart go 'honda'."

Carolyn Dowd, San Francisco, CA

Hugh Downs was announcing the arrival of guests at a party. He was tired and asked that I take over for awhile. I said sure. Well, while he was gone, who should arrive at the party but Gregor Mendel, the famous monk who did heredity studies with flowers. So, of course, I introduced him. The crowd, however, looked at me in amazement. They said, "He's not Hugh Downs! How dare he announce the arrival of the great Gregor Mendel!" A riot soon started and I had to flee for my life! As I was leaving, who should I run into but Smoky the Bear! "Smoky!" I shouted, "What has gotten into these people. They want to kill me!" Smokey just shook his head in disappointment. "Haven't you been listening all these years? Everyone knows, Only Hugh can present florist friars."

Will Heyward, Waynesboro, VA

A sailor and pirate were discussing their adventures at sea. The sailor couldn't help but notice the pirate had a peg leg, hook, and patch over his eye, and asked him how this came to be.

"Ay, it was a monster storm, and I was washed overboard" replied the pirate. "As me mates was pulling me out of the water a shark came along, and bit me leg off".

"Blimey" said the sailor. "How did you lose your hand?"

"AARRR! We was boarding a ship loaded with gold, and there were knives a-flashing, and swords a-swinging, and someone cut me hand off"

"Bloody hell" expressed the sailor. "How did you lose your eye?"

"A Seagull Dropping" replied the pirate.

"A SEAGULL DROPPING? How does one lose an eye from a seagull dropping?" asked the sailor.

The pirate responded "Weeeellll it was me first day with the hook!"

David Hopkins, Fremont, CA

These days a knock at the door can lead to an invasion of

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Papa Who?
PAPARAZZI! (Make the sound of a flash bulb pop

Patrick Granleese, Toronto, ON

So this state trooper was patroling on the side of a road, and he sees this car driving down the highway at a snail's pace. He pulls the car over, and he sees a nun at the wheel.
He asks the nun why she was going so slow.
The nun says, "But officer, the sign back there says that the speed limit was 25."
"No ma'am, that sign said Route 25." Just then, he looks in the passenger seat and sees another nun clutching on to the handle on the door and looking like she'd seen the second coming. He looked in the back seat and there were three more nuns doing similar things, and even one saying a quick rosary.
"Ma'am, what are the rest of your passedngers doing?"
She replied, "Well, officer, I think we just got off Route 115..."

Dave Thackara, Kingston, PA

Did you hear about the two maggots that were making love in dead ernest?

Donald Nelson, Tomah, Wi

Question: What candy is Ole stockpiling up on for
the millenium?

Answer: M&M's. He's going to be ready for the
year two thousand all right.


Question: What is the perfect candy for a tourist
to take along to Rome next year?

Answer: M&M's.

Bruce Johnson, Casper, WY

A Cowboy, An Indian, A Mexican, and A Rabbi all walk into a bar, the Bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Chris Wood, North Platte, NE

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