Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 21, 1999
"Sunday school Kid"
We all know how some kid subsitute difficalt words for easy words!
One sunday morning a young kid was ridding home from sundayschool, after singing "Everything is Beutiful"
He couldn't say Beutiful so se said pretty instead
He looks from the gound up an s says" Pretty grass, Pretty,trees , Perrty sky, pretty clouds ,Pretty Birdy!
PRETTY DRIRTY BIRDY!!!! (as he wipes his EYE)
Mark Springer, Princeton, Il
This is the story of how Christianity spread through the British Isles: the English heard Christianity was something they could talk about, the Welsh heard it was something they could sing about, the Irish heard it was something they could fight about, and the Scots heard that grace was free.
Gael Chaney, Martinsville, VA
Did you hear about Viagra's new ad campaign? It's the Quicker Dicker Upper.
My Mom told me this one: They've discovered a major side effect with Viagra. If you swallow it too slowly, all you get is a stiff neck.
Edward Dix, Houston, Tx
Like my momma used to say, there are three kinds of people: those that know how to count and those that don't.
Megan Stolte, MN
A man was standing on the roof of his house, flood water totally covering his house and lapping at his ankles. He prayed, "Lord, I trust you and know that you will save me."
A couple in a canoe came by and asked if he needed help. "No," said the man, "the Lord will save me."
Later, the water now risen up to his waste, the man kept praying, "Lord, I know that you will save me from this."
A couple of fishermen in a rowboat came by then and offered to take him to safety. "No thanks," said the man, "I know that God will save me from this."
Not long after that the water rose to throat level. The man kept praying to God, "Lord, I know in my heart that you will save me from this."
A National Guard helicopter came by, hovered overhead, and lowered a rope for him to hold onto. He refused saying, "I know God will save me from this flood. Thanks anyway."
Well, the water rose even further and he drowned. When he got to heaven he looked up at God and asked, "Lord, I prayed to you and trusted in you so much. Why didn't you save me from that awful flood?"
"What?" the Lord asked, "I sent you a canoe, a rowboat, and the National Guard in a helicopter but you wouldn't take any of them!"
Roger Flores, Yakima, WA
A man was leaving the coffee shop early one morning when he saw a funeral procession entering the cemetary nearby. There were two hearses, followed by a man with a pit bull on a leash, and behind them about 100 men in single file. He couldn't stand it so he approached the man to ask what was going on. The man told him that in the first hearse was his wife who was killed by his dog. "That awful, who is in the second hearse?" "Her mother jumped in to help her and the dog attacked her as well."
The men exchanged glances and the man with the coffee asked if he could borrow the dog. "Get in line"
Dorothy Markunas, San Francisco, CA
Why is New Jersey full of toxic waste and Indiana full of Hoosiers? New Jersey got first choice.
Tom Brown, Kansas City, MO
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?"
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" says the priest, "but I have a solution. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them in with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will
teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" exclaims the woman.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and says, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered.!"
Jerry Bull, Salem, OR
Two ranchers were in a bar bragging to each other about the size of their spreads. The first one said "I can leave my house at daybreak and drive all day without leaving my property."
The second one leaned back and responded "Yea, I had a car like that once."
Franklin Causey, Charlotte, N.C.
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