Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 21, 1999
There are two.
How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change the bulb, and five to form a society to preserve the memory of the old light bulb.
How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
501--one to take the old bulb out, and 500 to proclaim that it confirms the biblical record...
Zoe Gizara, Cincinnati, OH
Q: How do you make an elephant fly?
A: First, you start with a 48 inch zipper....
Q: Did you hear about the corduroy pillow?
A: It made headlines....
Q: Do you know why gorilla's have such big nostrils?
A: Have you ever seen their fingers?
Q: What did the snail say when the turtle let him ride on his back?
Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A: (Because they all have phones...)
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What? What? What?
Best T-shirts of '99
Filthy, Stinkin' Rich...(well 2 out of 3 isn't bad)
Real men don't waste hormones growing hair...
Rehab is for Quitters....
My dog can lick anyone....
A nest isn't empty untill all of their crap is out of the attic...
I have a degree in Liberal Arts..and would you like fries with that?
More later...I hope at least one of these is new to y'all...
David Brazee, Lincoln, NE
A woman develops a terrible rash over her body. She goes
to see the doctor who prescibes taking a milk bath everyday, until the rash is gone.
The next day, the woman informs her milkman that she needs
100 quarts of milk.
"Why so many?" asks the milkman.
"I have this terrible rash and the doctor says I need to take a milk bath every day until I'm cured." says the woman.
"Oh, goes the milkman,"Do you want it pasturized?"
"No, goes the woman, "I just want it up to my chin"
Randy Olear, Cheshire, CT
A highway dept. crew heads out to the job site, but soon radios back to the boss, "Boss, we've forgotten the shovels! What do we do?"---- Boss,(panicky sounding)"Um, hold on, let me think... OK, I'll load up the shovels and head right out- in the meantime you guys just lean on the truck until I get there."
#2 Two guys out hiking see a bear charging at them. One guy drops his pack and pulls out his running shoes, starts putting them on. Other guy says,"What are you doing, you can't outrun a bear!" First guy responds,"Don't need to- I just need to outrun YOU."
#3How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
Ray Geiger, Bethel, ME
So this dude walks into a bar and the bardroid is like, "Whattaya want?" and the dude is like, "Gimme a martinus." and the bardroid is like, "You mean a martinum." and the dude is like, "If I wan..wa..wha?" and the bardroid is like, "You said 'martinus'; that's nominative singular but you were using it as the direct object of the verb so it should be accusative; that'd be 'martinum'." and the dude is like, "OK, I'll have a beer."
David Craig, Newfield, NY
Ole and Sven go to the beach. Sven says, "Hey der Ole, none of da girls are lookin' at me. How am I gonna find a gud wife?"
Ole says, "Sven, put this potato in yer svimsuit and da girls will go crazy over yer."
Sven does as he's told but the girls are even more repulsed by Sven than they were before (if that was possible). Sven is confused and more than a little sunburnt when he says...
"Ole, I put da potato in my svimsuit and da girls are running from me faster than da sprint to da outhouse after lutefisk dinner!"
Ole looks over at Sven with a look of distain reserved solely for the Scandanavian and he says, "Uff da Ole! Ya need ta put da potato in the front of yer svimsuit...not da back."
Joan Redwing, Apple Valley, MN
Thanks for the opportunity to offer jokes for consideration on the show. I like listening to PHC and tune in on those weekends when my wife and kids will let me. I offer 2 jokes based in the health care industry where I work. The first I heard from a physician and the second from a patient many years ago. I've had a lot of success with both these jokes. Hope you like them.
1) It seemed that heaven was filing up more quickly than anyone had anticipated. It had gotten to the point that you needed to justify your right to enter based on your past life. And so it was that sunny morning when 3 souls materialized outside the pearly gates. The first took off his hat and stepped forward.
"St. Peter," he said, "I've been a religious man all my life. I tried to be a good neighbor and live by the golden rule. For those reasons, I think I should be admitted to heaven."
"So do I', said St. Peter. The gates opened and the man went inside.
The second, a woman stepped forward and she began to speak.
"St. Peter",she said " I spent my entire adult life as a foster mother offering love and guidance and a home to children who had no one else. Some of my children went on to become successful professionals and parents offering back to society what they might not have ever gotten. I was responsible for putting them on the right path early in their childhood. I think I should be admitted to heaven."
"So do I', said St. Peter. The gates opened and the woman went inside.
Now the last man was all alone. He took off his hat and he began to speak.
"St. Peter", he began, " I spent my entire working career as the cheif exectuitive officer of an HMO (health maintenance organization). It wasn't a particularly glamorous or exciting job, but I was able to take all the resources available and spread them out among the sick people who subscribed to us. Sometimes someone who was sick had to wait a couple of weeks, but eventually we got around to them. I did the best I could with as little as I could for as many as I could AND managed to make a profit for the coorporation along the way. For those reasons, I think I should be admitted into heaven."
St. Peter sat back and considered the mans statement. Finally he leaned forward and spoke.
"You're right," said St. Peter, "you should be admitted. But only for 3 days!"
2) Did you hear the one about the woman who was urinating nickles? She was understandably concerned so she went shopping, but that didn't seem to help so she called her OB/GYN who asked her to come right over. When she got there, they asked her for a urine sample and she found out that she had started urinating dimes. Now the physician had never heard of a case like this, so they gave her a referral to a Urologist the next day.
When the woman arrived the next day, she was very concerned. She has started urinating quarters, and the trend that she saw developing was not particularly pleasant. The urologist talked with her a long time, and examined her, then asked her to join him in his office after she was dressed. While she was changing, he called one of his colleagues, an old professor from medical school. They chatted about the womans case for quite some time. When the urologist got off the phone he smiled reassuringly at the distraught woman.
'Well, I think I understand what is happening to you," he said to the woman. "You're going through the change!"
Rich Lehrer, Roseville, CA
A home made sign along the road read: "Religious Puppies for Sale". A potential customer asked the man what religion were the puppies. The man answered that they were Baptist puppies. A few days later, the same potentail customer stopped by the see the puppies again and asked again what religion the puppies were. the man answered that they were United Methodist puppies. "But a few days ago you said they were Baptist puppies." The owner answered "Yes, but now they have their eyes open."
Jane Laraba, Beckley, WV
A man walks into a bar. He aproaches the bartender and says, "I bet you $50 that I can lick my eye." The bartender agrees to the bet, so the man takes out his false eye and licks it. One week later the man comes back into the bar. He goes to the bartender and says, "I bet you $50 I can bite my ear." The bartender says, "Your on." So the man takes out his false teeth and bites his ear. One week later the man comes back to the bar. He mingles with the other customers for a while and then approaches the bartender. He says, "You want to earn your $100 back?" The bartender says yes. "Very well," the man says, "I bet you $100 that I can pee on this counter without getting it wet. The bartender agrees, so the man pees on the counter and it gets wet. The bartender laughs. He says, "sorry about your bad luck." The man says, "that's okay. I just bet the man down there $500 that I could pee on your counter and make you laugh."
Peter B-Rice, WA
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