A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 21, 1999


Three good friends, a priest, a minister, and a rabbi, go out for a walk in the country. They come upon a lovely lake, and since its such a nice day, they decide to go skinny-dipping. They are in the water relaxing when the priest sees a group of people from town approaching. The three make a run for their clothes. As they are running, the priest and the minister hold their hands down hiding their privates, while the rabbi holds his hands up hiding his face. They get to their clothes safely. After they dress and are walking away the priest asks the rabbi why he held his hands up to his face. The rabbi replies, "I don't know about you two, but that's the part that my congregation will recognize."

Eben Sprinsock, San Francisco, CA


Where do you find a turtle with no arms and no legs?
Right where you left him!

Case Hultman, Brookfield, IL


A pig walks into a bar and orders a beer, which rather surprises the bartender, but what the heck, he had the money, and drinking it down, asks where the john is. The bartender says "it's in the back!" and the pig uses the facility and leaves. No sooner than this another pig enters and orders a beer. The bartender is startled, but the pig did slap a buck down, so he gives him the beer, and when asked, showed him where the john was. The pig goes and leaves. Again, no sooner did that pig leave but another enters...."Wait, let me guess...you want a beer, right?", the bartender says to the pig..."Well, actually, I was thinking a wine cooler, but since you suggest it..." and slaps a dollar down. As the pig went to ask where the john was the bartender interrupted, pointing and said "it's in the back!" The pig goes and leaves. By now you guess that as he is leaving another pig enters. The two pigs exchange high twos and the pig bellys up to the bar and orders a beer, drinks it and asks for the john. The bartender points to the back and the pig goes and leaves. Still another pig comes in and orders a beer, pays and drinks and starts out the door. The bartender stops him and asks "hey, aren't you gonna use the john?" "No," replied the pig, "I'll just go wee wee wee wee, all the way home."

Tom Thomas, Ludington, MI


Knock-Knock
Who's There?
Impatient Cow.
Impatient c--

MOOOO!


Tyler Aldrich, Avon, CO


A dog walks into a bar and asks for a whiskey.
"We don't serve drinks to dogs here," says the bartender. So the dog leaves, but returns the next day and orders another whiskey.
"We still don't serve drinks to dogs here," says the bartender. The dog leaves, but retuns again and orders a third whiskey.
"Look, I'm fed up with you," says the bartender, and he pulls out a gun and shoots the dog in the foot.
Five years pass.
One day, the bartender is sweeping his front stoop when he hears the unmistakable shuffle of a dog with a bad leg behind him. The bartender turns, and, sure enough, there is the dog he shot five years ago.
"What are you doing here?" asks the bartender, flabbergasted.
"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw. . . "

Chris St. Pierre, NE
Age: 17


A man is trying to find a place to park, and, after 20 minutes circling the block, he parks illegally, leaving a note on his car reading:
"I have circled the block for 20 minutes. I am late for a meeting, and if I don't park here now, I will lose my job. 'Forgive us our trespasses.'"
When he returned, he found a ticket, accompanied by a return note:
"I have circled the block for 20 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I will lose my job. 'Lead us not into temptation.'"

Chris St. Pierre, NE
Age: 17


What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.


Liz Saunders, Madison, WI


Q. How many French people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

Chris St. Pierre, NE
Age: 17


A horse walks into a bar. The bartender, looks him over, and says, "Hey buddy-why the long face?"

Mark Scantling, Burleson, TX


Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

B-shells too small---D-shells too big.

Sport Weddel, Amarillo, TX


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