Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 21, 1999
A thief broke into a home in an upper class neighborhood. He had just started going through a jewelry box when he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you!" The thief looks around doesn't see anybody so he continues going through the jewel case. He then hears the voice again "Jesus is watching you!" The thief finally decides to investigate. He goes in the living room and there in the corner is a parrot. The thief says "was that you talking?." The parrot says "Why, yes, how do you do?" "My name is Moses." The thief says "Moses!?" "What kind of people would name their parrot Moses?" The parrot replied, "the same sort of people who would name their rottweiller Jesus!"
Danielle Mauragis, Gainesville, Fl
(Tell this one with heavy stage Irish accents)
Two Irish Catholic priests meet on the street, and Seamus says to Thomas, "Thomas, how are you this fine day." And Thomas says, "Oh Seamus, I think one of my parishoners has stolen my bicycle, and I don't know what to do!" And Seamus says, "Thomas, next Sunday, when you give your sermon, recite the 10 commandments. When you get to 'Thou shalt not steal', look you congregation in the eyes, and you'll know who stole your bicycle." Thomas thinks this is a good idea, and he says he'll try it.
The next week, Seamus and Thomas meet in the street again and Seamus asks Thomas if he tried his suggestion. And Thomas says, "Yes Seamus, I did just what you said. For my sermon I recited the 10 commandments. And you know, when I got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery', I remembered where I left my bicycle!"
Eben Sprinsock, San Francisco, CA
An Indian chief has three wives and three sons (all born at same time). When the chief dies, the medicine man says that the wives must make a gift offering to the tribe; the wife with the best prize will become mother of the next chief. Sooooo.....
A week later wife #1 comes in with an offering of 10 Rocky Mountain goat hides and all are impressed as the Rocky mountains are a 2 week walk away.
Then Wife #2 comes in with 15 Grizzly Bear hides. All are very impressed as grizzly bears are difficult to talk out of their hides.
Wife #3 comes in with 1 hippopotomas hide and is instantly declared the winner by the medicine man. When questioned about the outcome of the contest, the medicine man calmly responds "Do you not know that the squaw of the hippopotomas is equal to the sums of the squaws of the other two hides?"
John Abbott, Silver Spring, MD
Here's a Minnesota Guide to Computer Lingo
LOG ON: making da vood stove hotter
LOG OFF: don't add no more vood
MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove
MEGAHERTZ: vhen da big log drops on your barefoot in da morning
FLOPPY DISK: vhat you get from pilingk too much vood
RAM: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter vork
HARD DRIVE: getting home during most of da vinter
PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season
ENTER: come on in
WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets below zero
SCREEN: vhat you gotta fix on da windows during black fly season
CHIP: vhat ya munch during Vikings games
MICROCHIP: vhat's left in da bag vhen da chips are gone
MODEM: vhat ya did to da hay fields last Yuly
DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix's wife
LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit
KEYBOARD: vhere ya suppose to hang da keys so da Misses can find em
SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utensils, ya?
MOUSE: vhat da cat brinks in from da barn
MAINFRAME: da part of da sauna dat holds up da roof
PORT: vhere da commercial fishin guys tie up dere boats
DOCKING STATION: da same as PORT
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: vhen ya can't remember how much ya spent on da
new deer rifle vhen da wife asks about it
Lorraine Mazzeo, Santa Clara, Ca
Your momma is so ugly, the tide won't take her out.
"Heaven" genre--There are 2 lines in heaven for men: One for men who were henpecked and one for men who dominated their households. In the nearly 2,000 years on the job, St. Peter has never seen a man in the latter. One day, out of the corner of his eye he sees a man in line 2 and he inquires of him "My good and remarkable man, in all these years I've never had occasion to interview a man from this line. Can you give me a explanation of how it is that you come to be here? The slight figure sheepishly replies, " I really don't know. Just before I died, my wife told me that when I get up here, I should stand in this line.
Philip Bernstein, Boise, ID
How do you know you've been working on a computer too long?
You get on the elevator and press the button twice.
Vincen Golden, Oak Park, IL
A farmer is out in the field when his foot strikes something hard in the ground. He picks it up and starts
cleaning it. While rubbing it, the top pops off and a genii appears.
Genii: Ah, you have released me from the bottle so, as in all jokes, I grant you three wishes.
Farmer: Hm. Do I have to use all of them now?
Genii: No, you can use them whenever you are ready.
Farmer: Ok. For my first wish, I wish my fields would produce 400 bushels of corn per acre.
Genii: Why that is easy. Poof. It is done.
Farmer: Now for my second wish. I wish corn prices would go to $9.00 a bushel.
Genii: Why that is also easy. Poof. It is done.
Farmer: I'm not ready for a third wish so I'll save that one.
And the Genii goes back into the bottle and the farmer takes it home and puts it on the shelf. A year later the farmer takes down the bottle and opens it up. And the Genii appears.
Genii: Ah. So you are ready for your third wish?
Farmer: Yes. I wish for corn prices to go to $9.00 a bushel.
Genii: But didn't you wish for that last year?
Farmer: Yes I did. But this year I'm going to sell.
Vincen Golden, Oak Park, IL
There are three tenants that make up the Presbyterian Church.
1. The Ten Commandments.
2. The New Testament.
3. Where ever you go, bring a covered dish.
How does St. Peter know when he has a Presbyterian at the Pearly Gates? They're the ones with the casseroles.
Vincen Golden, Oak Park, IL
Where do they send baby puppies who don't have a mommy or a daddy? The arffanage.
Ken Craig, Shawnee, Ok
A man is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs and and a genie appears. The genie tells the man " I will grant you one wish but with one condition; whatever you ask for, your mother in law will receive double." The man thinks for a minute and says " OK, give me one million dollars and beat me half to death."
Christopher Johnson, Jamestown, ND
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