Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 21, 1999
Father Garrity promised little Jimmy he'd give him a pony if Jimmy would really concentrate and recite the Lord's Prayer without one single error.
Little Jimmy stands up in class, squares his shoulders and starts: "Our Father, who art in Heaven . . . Do I get a saddle too?"
Steven Bosch, Floral Park, NY
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were
cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight
was red but they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I
could have sworn we just went through a red light". After
a few more minutes they came to another intersection and
the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was sure she was really concnerned that she was losing it and was getting nervous, she decided to pay close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us! Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, I'm driving?"
Curtis Crylen, Naperville, IL
Who said there's a sucker born every minute?
The inventor of the pacifier.
Phyllis Sue Howell, Salt Lake City, Utah
A man is walking along a beach and discovers an old, rusty lamp; he shines it up and out pops a genie. The genie says "Congratulations! You get one wish for having liberated me from the lamp--unfortunately, I'm a budget genie, so only one wish."
The man thinks for a moment and says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared of airplanes and boats. Could you build me a bridge so I could drive over there?"
The genie responds, "Are you out of your mind?! Think of all the concrete we'll have to use, the depth of the pilings, the stress ratios! It's next to impossible! Can't you think of something else?"
The man thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I've always wanted to know how a woman's mind functions. What makes them think the way they do? Could you tell me the secret?"
The genie sighs. "Do you want the bridge in two lanes or four?"
Clint Young, La Jolla, CA
My shoulder hurt so I went to the doctor to have it looked at. He said "It's due to old age." But I thought the other shoulder is just as old, so I said I want another opinon, so the doctor said "Ok, You need a haircut."
Larry Wilcox, Rochester(See ya the 18th), NY
This old guy goes to the doctor complaining of severe flatulence. "Doctor, it's very uncomfortable but at least they're odorless and totally silent.
Doctor takes a look and prescribes some tablets; says to come back in a week for another consultation.
A week later the old guy is back at the doctors. "Doctor" he says, "these tablets didn't do much for me and the smell's terrible now"
"Good" said the Doctor "That's the nasal blockage cleared up, now we'll turn to your hearing problem"
Fred Cucumber, Mamaroneck, NY
Two Blondes were walking in the woods and one spots some tracks on the ground. Look those are deer tracks. The other blonde says no they are not they are rabbit tracks and the frist blonde says i'm sure they are deer tracks. Anyway while they were discussing it a train hit'em
Ron Starnes, Monroe, NC
What do you get when you cross a Lutheran and a Buddhist?
Someone who sets up all night worrying about nothing.
WC Ginn, Albuquerque, NM
A Lewinsky Joke for the Post-Lewinsky Madness:
President Clinton, The French Ambassador, and the Mexican Ambassador are dining in a lovely French restaraunt, and of course, since it is a lovely French restaraunt and all, all the waiters speak in "Francais". The waiter approaches the Mexican ambassador, asking, "Le Tequila?", to which the ambassador responds, "Oui!" The waiter then travels to the French Ambassador, asking, "Le Champane?", to which the French Abassador responds "Oui!". Finally the waiter approaches our great leader, asking "Le Whiskey?"
The president rounds angrily upon the waiter, wagging his finger while belting out a loud "Don't even TALK about her!"
Charles (Chas) Carey Jr., MA
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