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A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 21, 1999


What's the difference between Broccoli and Boogers?

Kindergarten kids don't eat broccoli.

Chris Sabourin, Midland, MI


Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge

Shane Tharp, Wynnewood, PA


One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church
needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider
giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced
down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his
congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who
placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, young lady named Spicy, all the way in the
back, shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the
front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how
wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked
her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation,
pointed to the three of the handsomest men in the building and said,
"I'll take him and him and him."


A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied,
"Bud."


A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary
surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man
regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of
Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just
fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to
know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are
you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?"

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister." "Do you have any close relatives,
then?"

"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster
nun."

"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are
married to God."

"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-
law."

Joan Straw, Onamia, MN


Someone submitted the first half of this joke, so here's part 2 about the bellringer:

So a few days later the priest continues in his efforts to fill the vacant bellringing position, when a young man comes in. The priest stares in amazement as this young man is identical to the one that fell to his death. Before the priest can say anything the young man, noticing his shock explains," my twin brother was here the other day applying for the job, and i feel the best way to remember him is to fulfill this dream of his."
And with that he throws himself head-first into the bell.

The priest immediately protests,"no, no, no, young man. This method is entirely to dangerous, i cannot allow you to get the job."

"Please Father," says the young man,"I beg you, let me have the job." and he goes to throw himself at the bell again, and just as his brother before him, misses the bell and falls to his death.

Everyone asks the priest who *this* young man is, and the priest can say only "I've no idea but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

S. Martin, Chicopee, MA


WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS AN INSOMNIAC, AN AGNOSTIC AND A DYSLEXIC?

SOMEONE WHO LIES AWAKE AT NIGHT WONDERING IF THERE REALLY IS A DOG.

MIKE TIFFANY, EPHRATA, WA


Q: What do the Swiss call a foreigner without any money?

A: Just leaving.


Q: What is the name of Michael Jackson's favorite soccer team?

A: "The Young Boys" (actual name of Swiss soccer team in Berne, Switzerland)

Mark Stenzler, Greifensee, ZH


Bill and Hillary were married 40 years. When they first got married
Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look
in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her
and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the
box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box,
she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special
dinner.

After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and
she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my
promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the
temptation was too much and I gave in.

But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth.
Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself
not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but
I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does
happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked
Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

Mark Stenzler, Greifensee, ZH


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