A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 21, 1999

Q: Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet under?
A: Deep, deep down they're really good guys.

Lee Good, Lititz, PA

This man brings his dog into the vet and asks the vet what wrong with it. "I hate to tell you this." said the vet,"But your dog's dead." "Oh no, he's not dead, look bring in another dog. That should arouse him." So the vet thought "Might as well give it a try." So the vet brings in a labrator retriever and it circle the dog. No reaction. So the retriever leaves. "See, what I'd tell ya, the dog is dead. "No, bring a cat in the will arouse him." So, the vet brings in a cat and the cat circles the dog and there's no recation. So the cat leaves. "Well, I guess he's really dead." said the man. "That's what I've been trying to tell you." said the vet. "Oh, by the way that's $850." "$850." the man said, "You didn't do anything except tell me that he's dead." "Well, that's true." said the vet, "But, he had a lab test and a cat scan."

Scott Thomas, Greenfield, MA

Your Momma's so fat that when she takes a bath she first gets in and fills up the tub. Then she turns on the water.

Lee Good, Lititz, PA

A guy goes to see a doctor because his penis is orange.
Doctor says, "I'm not sure what could cause this. What do you do for a living?"
Guy says, "I'm an Accountant."
Doctor says, "Well that doesn't help. What do you do for fun?"
Guy says,"Nothing special. I usually get a bowl of Cheetos and watch porno."

Brenda Nemeth, Indianapolis, IN

Your momma is so fat, her dressmaker had to hire a surveyor.

Franklin Causey, Charlotte, N.C.

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?"
"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed. "Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and say, "Put the bibles away, Jimmy, our prayers have been answered!"

Michael Fisher, Boynton Beach, FL

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