Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 21, 1999
Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You can only jump on a viola once.
Ned Gerhart, Seattle, WA
A guy returns to his home town during the Christmas holidays after an extended absence. He's hungry and tired and passes by the old diner he used to frequent. Stops in, takes a seat, and asks about the special. "Eggs Benedict, hon", says the waitress. "I'll take it",he says. She returns in about five minutes with his eggs benedict on a beautiful silver tray with a matching warming cover. "Wow", he says, "this place has come a long way in ten years. What's with the fancy tray and all?" She cracks her gum, puts a hand on a hip and says," Well you know, hon, there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."
Bruce Macdonald, Niskayuna, NY
St. Peter looks up from a busy day at the gates of heaven to see three men standing there. "Gentlemen," he announces, "since we have been quite busy lately, some new restrictions have been put on those who enter. You must have died in either a horrible accident or a heroic effort. Please state your cases."
The first man steps forward: "Well, I'm not sure whether this is heroic or not, but I'll tell you my story anyway. I came home from getting groceries and rode the elevator up to my 15th floor apartment. As I was standing there fumbling for my keys, I could hear the sound of my wife's voice through the door, and she was not alone - I could hear another man! I tore open the door and stormed in, and my wife hurried into the living room, dressed only in her robe. She was protesting her innocence, but I knew better! I raced around the apartment looking for the man she had hidden, but to no avail. I stepped out onto the balcony to blow off some steam, and there he was - hanging from the edge of the balcony! In a fit of rage I began beating on his hands, kicking them, anything to try to make him lose his grip. But he would not let go! Finally, I raced inside and grabbed a hammer. The blows of the hammer must have finally made him lose his grip, and he went sailing downward. I looked down but alas, he had landed in some bushes and was still moving around! Enraged, I ran inside and grabbed the refrigerator. Dragging it outside, I threw it over the edge. I leaned over to see if I was successful, and lost my balance. I fell 15 stories to my death, and here I am."
"Well," said St. Peter, "we certainly don't approve of your anger, but since you were trying to protect the sanctity of your marriage, you may enter."
The second man stepped up: "Sir, I did no heroic deed, but I think you will agree that my death came as a result of a horrible accident. I was out exercising on the balcony of my 17th floor apartment when a sudden gust of wind blew me over the edge. I thought I was a goner, but the will to live must have been stronger, and with herculean effort, I was able to grab onto the edge of the balcony 2 floors below. As I was clinging there pondering my next move, this madman rushes out from the apartment and starts pounding on my fingers, cursing and screaming. It took all I had to keep my grip. When he came out with the hammer, I just couldn't hang on any more. I let go, and fell the 15 floors down. Miracle of miracles, I landed in the bushes, badly hurt, but still alive. I gazed up in the sky, and the next thing I saw was a refrigerator, aiming straight towards me. And now I'm here."
St. Peter agreed that this was a most unfortunate accident and admitted the man.
The third man stood naked, shivering. St. Peter gave him a robe, and asked for his story.
"Well," said the man, "I, too, have been the victim of a most unfortunate accident. I was over visiting Jane when we heard her husband return, earlier than expected. There was no time to get out, so I raced around the apartment, searching for a hiding spot. And that's when I saw the refrigerator!"
Jeffrey Morgan, Collegedale, TN
Who is the patron saint of accordian players?
Our lady of Spain
Donald Nelson, Tomah, Wi
What did the Zen master say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Ken Kostel, Geneva, IL
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi were fishing in a boat on the lake. After a while, the priest said he wanted to stretch out, so he stepped over the side of the boat and walked on the water to the shore. The pastor said he was tired as well, and stepped over the boat's side and walked across the water to the shore, where he also stretched out on the ground. The rabbi thought, "No need to stay by myself," and stepped over the side of the boat. He promptly sank to the bottom of the lake. The priest looked at the pastor and said, "Do you think we should have told him about the sand bar?"
Irvin Smith, Springfield, IL
Three souls appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the first one, "What was your last annual salary?" The soul replied, "$200,000; I was a trial lawyer." St. Peter asked the second one the same question; the soul answered, "$95,000; I was a realtor." St. Peter then asked the third soul the same question; the answer was "$8,000." St. Peter immediately said, "Cool! What instrument did you play?"
Irvin Smith, Springfield, IL
Susie's husband Bob had just left for work, and she was eating some breakfast when Fred, their neighbor came by. He asked if Bob was around; she said no. They talked for a while; finally, Fred said, "You know, this may seem strange, but you are so beautiful; I'd give you $100 to see just one of your breasts..." Susie thought for a minute, and, after a lot of thought, said, "Okay, but just for a moment." She undid her shirt and briefly flashed her breast at Fred. He immediately threw $100 on the table. He asked, "For another $100, could I look at both...just for a second?" She thought about it, and decided she could use the money for a gift for Bob. She said okay, and again undid ber shirt and showed Fred her breasts. He threw down another $100 and left.
Later that day, Bob came home for lunch. Susie said, "You know your friend Fred? He's been acting strangely lately." Bob replied, "Yeah. By the way, did he drop off that $200 that he borrowed last week?"
Irvin Smith, Springfield, IL
Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, were up for the job of homicide detective in a police dept. They had all scored equally on tests and interviews, and the Chief of Police couldn't decide between them. Finally, the Chief decided to ask them all one more question.
He called the brunette in to his office and asked her, "Who killed Jesus?" The brunette thought for a moment and then said, "The Jewish aristocracy killed Jesus." The Chief thanked her and said that he would make his decision soon.
He then called in the redhead and asked her, "Who killed Jesus?". The redhead replied, "The Romans killed Jesus." The Chief thanked her and said that he would make his decision soon.
Then he called in the blonde and asked her, "Who killed Jesus?". The blonde thought for a while, and then asked the Chief if she could get back to him in a couple of days. The Chief was a little surprised, but decided to give her the time.
That night the blonde went out to dinner with her boyfriend. He asked her how the interview had gone. The blonde said, "Interview, hell, I've got my first case!"
Eben Sprinsock, San Francisco, CA
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so-thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
David Sims, IL
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