Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 22, 1999
A priest was called to the home of a parishoner to administer the last rites to the man's dying wife.
After he had done so, the woman died, and as she was
being wheeled out to the hearse on a gurney, the
attendants bumped into a tree, whereupon the dead
woman rolled off the gurney on to the ground. When
she hit the ground, the woman revived, and all agreed
it was a miracle. 10 years passed, and the priest was
again called by the parishoner to the same house to
administer the last rites to the same woman. Again
he did so, and again she died. As she was being wheeled
out to the hearse, the husband called out: "Hey, watch
out for that tree!".
John Solomon, Miami Springs, FL
After Bill Clinton leaves office, he's going to form a new band. He's going to call it the Greatful Bed
Edward Savoy, PA
A man was stranded on a desserted island and one day as he was walking on the beach a mermaid swam up to him. She asked how long he had been there and he said "10 years." She said "I bet you would just love a big cigar." He said "I would love one." She opens up her little pocket and pulls out a big, fat cigar." As he was enjoying his cigar she asked "I bet you would love a nice cold drink." "I would love a nice cold drink!" She opens up her little pocket and pulls out a nice cold drink and gave it to him. As he was enjoying his cigar and drink the mermaid says "I bet you would love to play.......... he interupts her and says.."don't tell me you have a set of golf clubs in that pocket too!"
Wendy Reuter, Luxemburg, WI
This guy joins a trappist order. The monastery regime is strict and spartan. The monks are not allowed to communicate with eachother, the one exception being that every 10 years you get to speak briefly to the Abbot.
So the first 10 years go bye and our guy goes to see the abbot. "So whadaya think of it so far?" says the abbot. "Fine" says the monk "but could I get cornflakes for my breakfast instead of mouldy bread?" "Yes my son " says the abbot
So the next 10 years go by and its interview time again. How's it going?" says the abbot. "Fine" says the monk "the cornflakes are great but do you think I could get a drop of milk to help them down?" "yes my son" says the abbot.
So another 10 years go by and its interview time again. " Everything going well?" askes the abbot. "Fine" says the monk " but I would really like a spoon with my cornflakes if you could stretch to that?"
" You know this" says the abbot, "you've done nothing but complain since you got here"
Fred Cucumber, Mamaroneck, NY
local police are at a stand still over the theft of all the toilet seats from the station house bathroom. quote the cheif "at this point we have nothing to go on"
David Coleman, Jacksomville, Fl
Missionaries think people are like cars: Some are convertibles and the rest are hardtops.
Why are there no preachers who are great tennis players?
"No man can master two serves"
When the governor named the Weasel the Utah State animal, I cried "NEPOTISM!"
The recent Senate impeachment was the "Trial of the Censure-y"
The plot thickens -- it gets harder to swallow.
Some people live life in the fast lane. With 6 kids I usually live life in the diamond lane
I had a close call yesterday: I was eating a FIRE Jolly Rancher, and then I read "Artificially Flavored" on the wrapper. BOY, what if it had been flavored with REAL fire! ouch!
I was taking my daughter in to have sealants applied to 4 teeth. The new dental insurance no longer covers that, so $12 per sealant. I happened to ask what is the co-pay for an extraction? $6 per tooth. I told them to just pull the teeth out.
"'The Force' is like duct tape...it has a dark side, it has a light side and it holds the Universe together."
Richard Adams, Orem, UT
I WAS HAVING COFFEE AND TOAST WITH A BUNCH OF RETIREES FROM THE OHIO BELL PHONE COMPANY, AND MY OLD FRIEND JERRY WAS TELLING US HIS ACCOUNT WITH VIAGRA, "I TOOK THE THE ENHANCEMENT BUT NOTHING HAPPENED WITH DIANE AND ME, BUT I NOTICED THE WRINGLES IN MY FORHEAD DISAPPEARED AND I WAS UNABLE TO BUTTON THE COLLAR ON MY SHIRSTS".
JIM GILMORE, STOW, OH
I WAS HAVING COFFEE WITH A COUPLE OF RETIREES FROM THE OHIO BELL TELEPHONE CO. AND WE WERE DISCUSSING DIFFERENT ENHANCEMENTS AVAILABLE AT THE PHARMACY AND MY OLD BUDDY JERRY (GABBY) HAYES TOLD US HE HAD ORDERED THE NEW DRUG GINGO BALOVA, WE ASKED WAS IT DOING AS ADVERTISED, POOR JERRY SAID HE JUST CAN'T REMEMBER TO TAKE IT!
JIM GILMORE, STOW, OH
A blonde was vacationing at the shore of a lake. As she strolled along the shore, she noticed another blonde over on the other side of the lake. "Hello-o-o!" she called. "How do I get over to the other side of the lake?"
"Duh-h-h!" shouted the other blonde. "You're already ON the other side of the lake!"
Carole Thomas, Los Angeles, CA
HILLIARY HAD NOTICED CHELSEA HAD HAD REPEATED DATES WITH A CERTAIN YOUNG MAN AT STANFORD IN THE LAST 6 MONTHS, SO DELICATELY AS A MOTHER AND DAUGHTER MAY HAVE THE CONVERSATION, HILLIARY ASKED CHELSEA: HOW IS EVERYTHING GOING? YOU KNOW, ARE YOU AND YOUR FRIEND GETTING VERY FAMILIAR WITH EACH OTHER?,,, CHELSEA THOUGHT A BIT AND SAID,"WELL MOM, NOT ACCORDING TO DAD'S INTERPERTATION"!
JIM GILMORE, STOW, OH
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