A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 22, 1999


PAT EMIGRATED TO THE US AND EVERY FRIDAY HE WOULD STOP AT THE NEIGHBORHOOD TAVERN AND ORDER THREE BEERS, AFTER A WHILE THE BARKEEP ASKS WHY THREE BEERS, AND PATRICK SAID HE AND HIS TWO BROTHERS HAD AGREED THEY WOULD HAVE A BEER WITH EACH OTHER TO KEEP THE FAMILY TOGETHER. WELL ABOUT FEB 20 THE BARKEEP NOTICED PAT STARTED ORDERING ONLY TWO BEERS, FEELING BAD, THE BARKEEP OFFERED HIS SYMPOTHY TO PAT FOR THE LOST OF A BROTHER, PAT'S REPLY WAS: NO MAN, I GAVE UP DRINKING FOR LENT!

JIM GILMORE, STOW, OH


Two atoms meet each other on the street after not seeing each other for a long time. The first atom asks the other one how he's been doing. The second atom shakes his head sadly saying, "Not so great." His friend asks, " Oh really, what happened?" And the second atom responds, "I lost an electron." His friend, shocked asks him if he is sure. "Yes," says the atom, "I'm positive."

Laura Johnson, Northfield, MN


So 2 men were standing in the bar on the top floor of a 40 story building. One says to the other, Ya know if you jump out of the window you'll fall down about 20 stories and then the wind whipping off the lake will catch you and slow you down and and after about another 5 stories you'll actually stop and be able to fly into that window down there. No way says the other, thats impossible! I'm telling ya it'll work says the 1st just like I said. Ya jump out the wind currents catch ya and you come to a stop and be able to float into that open window. The 2nd man says It can't work. The first says yes it will. In fact I show you. So the man jumps out the wondow and sure enough he falls down about 20 stories slows up and floats into the open window. He comes back up to the bar and says, See, I told you so. I don't believe what I saw. It must be an illusion says the 2nd. I'll do it again says the 1st man and he jumps out again. And the same thing happens and he floats into the window and comes back up to bar. Well, I guess it works says the 2nd and says I'll try it and he jumps out the window. Falls faster and faster passes the 1st 20 stories, keeps going faster, passes another 5 stories going even faster and goes all the way to the gorund where he SPLATS all over the ground. At that the bar tender looks over to the 1st man and says" Ya know Superman, you've got a warped sense of humor"

Ray Corbin, Janesville, CA


Did you hear about the sheriff at the nudist colony?

Took six guys to pin the badge on him.

Albert Garcia, Littleton, CO


The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The
townsman watched as he slowly dismounted and tied his horse to the rail outside the saloon.

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.

As he then walked by, the townsman had to comment. "I could help but notice you as you got off your horse. That's quite an unusual ritual."

"Yep," replied the cowboy. "I got me some bad chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" asked the townsman.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."

Bob Shacklett, Okanogan, WA


An old lady comes to her doctor with a very embarrassing ailment.

"Dr. Johnson, I am so embarrassed to tell you my problem, but I really need help. I am constantly passing gas and I can't seem to stop it."

She goes on to say, "The good news is that they are silent, and the have no odor."

Dr. Johnson asks, "How frequent do you think this is?" Well," she says, "you wouldn't know it, but I have passed gas no less than twenty times just since I have been in your office."

Dr. Johnson prescribes the old lady some pills and says, "Take one of these three times a day for seven days, then come back and see me. Don't come back until the end of the seven days."

She agrees and one week later she returns, very upset. "I don't know what was in those pills, but things are MUCH worse now. I am still passing just as much gas as before! They are still silent, but now they smell terrible! What have you to say for your self Dr. Johnson ?" "Calm down! Says Dr. Johnson. "First things first! Now that we have cleared your sinuses, we can work on your hearing."


Bob Shacklett, Okanogan, WA


* Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

* In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

* I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

* What food reduces a woman's sex drive by some 90%?
WEDDING CAKE


Bob Shacklett, Okanogan, WA


Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first
round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down,
he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the
first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and
punches Clinton in the face.

Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a
big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam
laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put
off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes
out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough,
knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.
"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish
these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for
talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons
on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam
ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds
later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again
nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third
button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing
happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"


Bob Shacklett, Okanogan, WA


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