Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 22, 1999
What was the last thing George Washington said to his men before they crossed the Delaware?
A big, strapping guy walks into a bar and can't find a place to sit. So, he finds the puniest looking guy he can pick on, walks over to him and --pow!-- knocks him off his bar stool. "That was a karate chop from Japan!" The little guy picks himself up, sits back on the stool when --pow!-- the big guy knocks him off again. "That was a Kung Fu kick from China!" The little guy picks himself up and leaves. About a half-hour later the big guy is enjoying himself when all of a sudden --pow!-- he's knocked unconscious to the floor. Standing over him is the little guy, who says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a Crowbar from Sears!"
Three men appear before St. Peter at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but Heaven is very full right now and we're only taking people who died tragic deaths." The first man says, "I died a very tragic death. I found out my wife was cheating on me and I decided to catch her at it. So, I left work early and came home. I could hear them in there as I unlocked the door, but by the time I got in, the guy wasn't there. In a rage, I was searching all over the apartment when I saw a pair of hands holding on to the window sill. So, I started beating at his hands but he wouldn't let go. Finally, I picked up a hammer and hit him on the knuckles until he let go and fell 5 stories. But, he landed in a huge bush and he was starting to get up. I couldn't believe it! I ran into the kitchen, picked up the refrigerator and threw it out the window. In the process, though, I had a heart attack and died."
Three wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do!
A little boy is on a plane with his mother. He turns to her and asks, "Mommy, if kitties have baby kitties and doggies have baby doggies, why don't planes have baby planes?" His mom says, "Well, I don't know. Why don't you go ask the flight attendant?"
What did the Swede say to the Norwegian at the breakfast table? ... Hurry up and Finnish your Danish!
Three ropes are outside a bar. One says to the other two, "Hey! I'll go and get us some beers." So he goes in and says to the bartender, "I'd like three beers, please"
Why is a snowstorm like a man?
A wife awakens her husband in the middle of the night: Henry, I just had the most horrible nightmare. I dreamed I was a a husband auction and that husbands were going for ten thousand and twenty thousand dollars; some even went for a million dollars. Henry was interested with this last revelation and asked, "Well honey, how much were husbands like me going for?" "That was the disgusting part," said the wife. "They were bundling husbands like you in bundles of ten and selling them for a dollar a bundle."