A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 22, 1999

What was the last thing George Washington said to his men before they crossed the Delaware?
Get in the boat.

Why did the chicken cross the park?
To get to the other slide.

Anne Skenzich, Minneapolis, MN

A big, strapping guy walks into a bar and can't find a place to sit. So, he finds the puniest looking guy he can pick on, walks over to him and --pow!-- knocks him off his bar stool. "That was a karate chop from Japan!" The little guy picks himself up, sits back on the stool when --pow!-- the big guy knocks him off again. "That was a Kung Fu kick from China!" The little guy picks himself up and leaves. About a half-hour later the big guy is enjoying himself when all of a sudden --pow!-- he's knocked unconscious to the floor. Standing over him is the little guy, who says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a Crowbar from Sears!"

Peter Marshall, Falls Church, VA

Three men appear before St. Peter at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but Heaven is very full right now and we're only taking people who died tragic deaths." The first man says, "I died a very tragic death. I found out my wife was cheating on me and I decided to catch her at it. So, I left work early and came home. I could hear them in there as I unlocked the door, but by the time I got in, the guy wasn't there. In a rage, I was searching all over the apartment when I saw a pair of hands holding on to the window sill. So, I started beating at his hands but he wouldn't let go. Finally, I picked up a hammer and hit him on the knuckles until he let go and fell 5 stories. But, he landed in a huge bush and he was starting to get up. I couldn't believe it! I ran into the kitchen, picked up the refrigerator and threw it out the window. In the process, though, I had a heart attack and died."

St. Peter says, "You're right, that is very tragic. Go on in." The second man says, "My story is even worse. I was working out on the balcony of my apartment when I lost my balance and fell over the edge. Luckily, I caught a window sill and I was hanging on for dear life when a crazy man came over and starting hitting my hands with his fists and a hammer. I fell, but luckily, I landed in a huge bush and it broke my fall. I was just starting to get up when I looked up and saw a refrigerator coming down at me. And that's the last thing I remember."

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "Yes, that's very sad. Go on in." The third man says, "That's nothing compared to how I died. See, I was hiding in this refrigerator......"

Celeste Headlee, Flagstaff, AZ

Three wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do!

You can lead a horse to water, but all you are going to get is a wet horse.

If at first you don't succeed, quit while you're ahead.

Steve Mehder, Greensboro, NC

A little boy is on a plane with his mother. He turns to her and asks, "Mommy, if kitties have baby kitties and doggies have baby doggies, why don't planes have baby planes?" His mom says, "Well, I don't know. Why don't you go ask the flight attendant?"

The little boy goes to the flight attendant and says, "Ma'am, if kitties have baby kitties and doggies have baby doggies, why don't planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your mommy tell you to ask me that?" The boy nodded and she said, "Well, you go back and tell your mommy that this is Southwest Airlines, and Southwest Airlines ALWAYS pulls out on time."

Celeste Headlee, Flagstaff, AZ

What did the Swede say to the Norwegian at the breakfast table? ... Hurry up and Finnish your Danish!

Dale Heltzer, Rochester, MN

Three ropes are outside a bar. One says to the other two, "Hey! I'll go and get us some beers." So he goes in and says to the bartender, "I'd like three beers, please"
The bartender says, "You're a rope, aint ya?"
"Yes. What does that have to do with anything?"
"Read the sign, 'No ropes served here'"
So he goes out. The second rope says, "You have got to be tough!" so he sticks out his chest and goes in and slams his fist on the bar and says, "Bartender, give me three beers or else!"
The bartender says, "You're a rope, aint ya?"
"Yeah. So What?"
"Read the sign, 'No ropes served here'"
So the second rope is thrown out by the bouncer.
The Third rope says, "You did it wrong! You have to use your brains."
So he ties a necktie around his neck and messes up his hair, walks in and says, "Bartender, I'd like three beers, please."
The bartender says, "You're a rope, aint ya?"
"Nope. Frayed Knot" (afraid not)

Josh W., PA
Age: 17

Why is a snowstorm like a man?

You never know how many inches, and you never know when it is going to come.

Carol Avery, Bethesda, MD

A wife awakens her husband in the middle of the night: Henry, I just had the most horrible nightmare. I dreamed I was a a husband auction and that husbands were going for ten thousand and twenty thousand dollars; some even went for a million dollars. Henry was interested with this last revelation and asked, "Well honey, how much were husbands like me going for?" "That was the disgusting part," said the wife. "They were bundling husbands like you in bundles of ten and selling them for a dollar a bundle."

Kenneth Hill, Byhalia, MS

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