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A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 22, 1999

From the movie spoof of Top Gun, I don't know what the title is, comes a joke the needs retelling:

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

You walk him and pitch to the zebra.

Robert Lutz, Lynchburg, VA

What do dyslexic, agnostic, insomniacs do? They sit up all night wondering if there is a dog.

Robert Lutz, Lynchburg, VA

Two statues, a man and a woman, stand on opposite sides of a plaza. One day, an angel comes down and says, "You have been good statues for the last 50 years. As a reward, I am giving you 30 minutes of life. You may do anything you wish."
The statues jumped down from their pedestals and, hand in hand, they ran behind the nearest bush.
For the next 15 minutes, laughter and shouts of glee accompanied by the crackling of branches and many birds flying away ensued. Then, both statues came out of the bushes with smiles all across their faces.

"You still have 15 minutes of life," said the angel. "Isn't there anything else you'd like to do?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do that again?"

"Sure," said the lady statue. "But this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on his head."

Donald Mau, Gleneden Beach, OR

What's the difference between an elephant and teapot?

Elephants don't climb trees!

Justin Woodward, Madison, WI

This is a 2-parter:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get to the other side.
Q. Why did the turtle cross the road?
A. Because he was stapled to the back of the chicken.

Bradd Schiffman, Cary, NC

Why don't they broadcast the Metropolitan Opera in the summer. That way there wouldn't be all that coughing.

Bill Bilkovich, Tallahassee, fl

There are these beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere. On these islands the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, this is the situation:
One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The French men and the French woman are living happily together in menage-a-trios.
The German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Bulgarian men have looked at the endless ocean, taken one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
The Japanese men used their digital satellite telephone wristwatches to call the home office and were rescued by helicopter within the hour. The Japanese woman remained and set up a household, and is visited by the senior man on the weekends.
The American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity for fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
And finally ... The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South. Then setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are no [and? - ed.]

Boris Grigorov, Saint Charles, MO

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were playing golf. The party at the next tee were hitting balls all over the place. The doctor says "what is wrong with those guys, they are taking forever to tee off?" The priest says "There's George, the groundskeeper. Let's ask him" George says "Oh that's a real sad story Father. Those are blind firemen. The came to put out a fire at the clubhouse and were blinded by the smoke. We felt so bad for them that we let them play for free." The priest said "I will pray for them." The doctor says "I know an ophthalmologist, maybe he can help them." The engineer says "Why can't they play at night?"

Bill Bilkovich, Tallahassee, FL

(This joke best experienced when told - enthusiastically - by a ten-year-old.)

"Who's there?"
"Interrupting cow."
"Interrupting cow wh-

Submitted on behalf of my ten-year-old son.

JOKE #2 - Th only joke my mother can remember.
A little boy goes to the optometrist to get his eyes checked. He becomes very confused when he's asked to look at the chart and cover his right eye with his right hand. He also can't figure out how to cover his left eye with his left hand. So the optometrist comes up withthe bright idea of covering the kid's head with a paper bag, with a hole cut out for only one eye. At this, the boy bursts into tears. The optometrist whips the bags off and asks, "What's the matter?!" And the boy whimpers, "I want wire frames like my brothers!"

Benjamin Kornelis, Sioux Center, IA

Good Luck Frog

A man takes the day off from work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away and grabs a 9 Iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok, where to next?" The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the man asks, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit, Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit, $3000, black 6." Now this is a million-in-one shot to wim, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into the gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.

June Kenyon, DeLand, FL

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