Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 22, 1999
How do you see the back of a flashlight?
[ How DO you see the back of a flashlight? - Ed. ]
Kayla Scheiner, AZ
Why did the farmer cross the road?
Because he was running after the chicken.
Evan Ford, al
Our dog seemed to be losing his sense of hearing, so we took him to the vet. The doctor said it was simply that there was too much hair around the poor pooch's ears, and that the best remedy would be a depilatory cream.
I dropped Fido and the Missus off at home, and went to the drug store. While looking over the selection of products, the druggist came by to offer assistance. He said that the creams were all about the same, and that for legs they can be used full strength, and for facial hair, they should be thinned 25%.
I said "You don't understand. It's for my wife's schnauser".
He replied "Oh, well in that case, thin it 50%, and no bicycle riding for a month".
Wally Rogers, Menasha, WI
An old cowboy goes to town and buys a brand new pair of boots. He goes home, steps in the kitchen and asks his wife, "do you notice anything different?". She take a good look at him and replies, "Nope". This makes the old cowboy mad. He goes in the bedroom and takes all his cloths off except for his new boots. He goes back to the kitchen and asks his wife again, "notice anything different. She replies, "No, its still hanging there pointing at the floor". He hollers, "thats because it pointing at my new boots!" She replies, "should have bought a hat!!!!!"
LeRoy Fredricks, Glenvil, NE
One evening, the owner of a hardware store noticed that a man had been standing in front of the display of files for some time, seemingly unable to make a decision. The shopkeeper approached the man and asked if he could be of assistance. The man replied, "Well, maybe you could give me some advice. I'm looking for a small file for my pet canary. I love the thing with all my heart, but every time I reach into the cage to feed him, he bites me." He held up a bandaged hand. "I figured an easy way to solve the problem would be to file his beak off." Naturally, the shop owner was appalled and refused to help the man on the grounds that the action would surely kill the bird. Unconvinced by the shopkeeper's words, the man bought a small file and left the store.
The following morning, the same man walked into the hardware store and asked the shopkeeper for a small box "about 5 inches long, three inches wide, and two inches tall." The disgusted shopowner replied, "Didn't I tell you that filing the beak off that canary would kill it?" The man answered, "Well, you were wrong about that, I can assure you. It was the vice that did it."
Tracy Frank, Indooroopilly, QLD
Phone rings; little boy answers. Salesman says "Can I speak to your father?". Little boy whispers "He's busy."
"What is he doing?" "Talking to the firemen."
"Okay, can I speak to your mother?" Little boy whispers "She's busy." "What is she doing?" "Talking to the policemen."
Salesman says "Let me get this straight-- there is no adult I can speak to right now because they are all talking to the police or the firemen. What's going on?"
Little boy whispers "They're lookin' for ME!"
Alternate: Skeleton walks into a bar and tells the barkeep "Give me a beer... and a mop."
David Robinson, Smyrna, GA
What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anybody can mash potatoes!
Thomas Peine, Indianapolis, IN
Here's a joke my uncle told me years ago:
When I was a kid in school my teacher asked me to stand up and give her two pronouns
"Who me?" I said.
"That's right. Sit down." said my teacher.
Robert Keough, Watertown, MA
What did the salmon say when he ran into the wall?
Kim Howard, Portland, OR
Timmy & Tommy were two rough kids. Their parents talked to Fr. Murphy about counseling for the kids. Fr. Murphy said he would counsel them but not together. Timmy was the first to enter Fr. Murphy's office. Fr. Murphy told Timmy to sit down. "Where is God?" the priest asked. Timmy gazed at the floor and said nothing.
"Where is GOD?" he again inquired, more forcefully this time. Timmy stared at the floor and began biting his knuckle.
Mustering all the power and passion of his Sunday sermons, Fr. Murphy shouted, "TIMMY, WHERE IS GOD?"
Timmy jumped out of the chair, flew trough the door and ran all the way home. He tore open the front door, ran upstairs into his bedroom and hid in the closet. His brother heard him come in and raced upstairs to see what was the matter.
"Timmy, whatever is wrong?" Tommy asked his little brother.
"God is missing and they thing we had something to do with it" Timmy replied.
John Niegowski, Flint, MI
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