Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 22, 1999
What do you get when you mix Rogaine and Viagra?
Sam Mason, Jasper, IN
Michael, who has admired Kelly since she came into the pub and taken the stool next to his, decided to try and break the ice between them.
"Kelly" Michael says, "Are You a religious person and if so, could I get you to place your hands together as if to be praying?"
Astonished, Kelly then locked her fingers with her elbows placed firmly on the bar, to which Michael then placed a paper bag over her hands and took up looking about the place as if to have taken interest in something else.
"Excuse me" Kelly inquired "What's up?"
"Now that I got you in the sack I thought you would know what to do."
Alan Wood, Spruce, Mi
1. What do they call a sleep walking nun?
A roamin' Catholic.
2. What does a guy on Viagra have in common with Gene
He's "Back In The Saddle Again".
Hal Capps, Omaha, Ne
What do Bill Clinton and a carpenter have in common?
One screw in the wrong place, and the whole cabinet falls apart.
John Biestman, Lafayette, ca
Question:Why did the sausage roll?
Answer: To see the apple-turn-over!
Q. What kind of paper do mosquitoes like?
A. Scratch paper!
Q. What do you call a bee that can't make up it's mind?
A. A maybee!
William Moore, Centreville, VA
THE VAN GOGH FAMILY TREE
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother
His dizzy aunt
The brother who ate prunes
The constipated uncle
The brother who worked at a convenience store
The grandfather from Yugoslavia
The brother who bleached his clothes white
The cousin from Illinois
His magician uncle
Wheredid D. Gogh
His Mexican cousin
The Mexican cousin's anglo half brother
The nephew who drove a stagecoach
The ballroom dancing aunt
A sister who loved disco
The bird lover uncle
His nephew psycoanalyst
The fruit loving cousin
An aunt who taught positive thinking
The little bouncy nephew
And his niece who travels the country in a van
Winnie Bay Gogh
And so it goghs, eh?
steve ZALEC, CHISHOLM , MN
Did you hear about the International Incident that took place when a waiter dropped the Thanksgiving dinner? It was the smashing of China, the overthrow of Turkey, the downfall of Greece... and everyone got Hungary!
Paul Rogers, San Francisco, CA
Your mama is so broke that when I stepped inside your front door, I stepped out the back door.
Your mama is so broke that when I stepped on a cigarette, she yelled, "hey, get off the heater".
Your mama is so broke that when I stepped on a penny, she said "get off my life savings".
Audrey Olena, Garland, TX
Ad seen in the New York Times last week:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 Volumes.
Excellent Condition. $1000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Ann Olena, Garland, TX
A Bartender Joke:
I thought of this two days ago (it is original and has never been hear anywhere before.
Bill Gates walks into the bar and says to the bar-tender: "I probobly own this bar."
Travis McGee, Brighton, MA
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