Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 22, 1999
A blond walks into her physicians office complaining that everytime she touches her forehead, arm, or leg with her left index finger, it hurts so much that she can hardly stand it. The doctor says, "No wonder it hurts so much when you touch your forehead, arm or leg with your left index finger, your finger is broken!"
Lloyd Le Mere, Villa Grove, IL
Harry, Butch, Jimmy, and Joe
Harry, Butch, Jimmy, and Joe who?
Harry up, Butch your arms around me, Jimmy a kiss, or I'll
This is the BEST Knock Knock joke ever. It dates back to 1952.
Claire Tisdale, New Gloucester, ME
This is cute even if you aren't a Hawkeye fan...
ESPN's Dick Vitale was in Indiana to announce a basketball game when he noticed a red phone near the Hoosier's bench. He asked Coach Bob Knight what it was for.
"It's a hotline to God," said Knight. Vitale asked if he could use it. Knight said, "Sure, but it'll cost you $100."
Vitale thought he needed a break picking the games, so he pulled out his wallet and paid the $100. Dick Vitale had a perfect week.
The next week, he was in Arkansas when he noticed
the same kind of phone on the Razerback's bench.
He asked the Razerback coach about the phone.
The coach said, "It's the hotline to to God,
and it'll cost you $100 if you want to use it". Vitale paid the money. Again, he had a perfect week.
The next week, Vitale was in Iowa when he noticed the same kind of phone by the Hawkeyes' bench.
He asked Tom Davis (Iowa Coach),
"Is that the hotline to God?".
Davis said, "Yes and if you want to use it, it'll cost 35 cents".
Vitale said, "Wait a second,I just paid $100 in Indiana and Arkansas to use the hotline to God. Why does Iowa only charge 35 cents?"
Davis smiled at Vitale and replied, "In Iowa, it's a local call."
Leigh Zeitz, Kluang, Johor
So this guy carries his dog into the vet's office and says to the vet, "Hey, there's something wrong with my dog. Can you take a look at him?" So the vet checks the dog's pulse and looks into his eyes. "Your dog's dead." "What? That can't be! He was fine this afternoon, running around, begging... He can't be dead. Aren't there some tests you can run to be sure?"
So the vet goes in back and brings out a cat. He puts the cat down, and the cat starts to spit and hiss at the dog. It even takes a few swipes at his nose. No response from the dog. The vet says, "See your dog is dead." The guy still doesn't believe it's true. "Isn't there anything else you can try? There's got to be something better than that."
So the vet goes in the back again and comes out with a big black lab. The lab starts to growl and bark at the guy's dog. He even takes a nip on his ear. There is still no response.
Finally the guy admits that the vet must be right. "Wow! You're right, doc. I just can't believe he's dead. So can you take care of the body for me?" "Yes, we can take care of that," says the vet. "Great, what do I owe you, doc?" "That'll be $600," says the vet. "What! Just to take care of the body?!?!" "No, that's only $50, but then you also had the CATSCAN and the LAB TESTS!!"
Kris White, Kennebunk, ME
A wealthy man figures how to "take it with him" when he dies, and sneaks a suitcase full of gold bars to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter stops him, of course, and demands to see the contents. Reluctantly, the man opens up the suitcase to reveal a fortune in gold.
"So," says St. Peter, "what's with the pavement?"
Joe Herring, Jr., Kerrville, TX
what are small and green, goose-step, and yell HEIL? ans: Little green S'natzis!
michael mathis, candor, ny
qu:Are lima beans ever tipsy? Ans:no, but sometimes tomatoes are STEWED!
Beverly Mathis, ny
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