Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 22, 1999
Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." After donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumps, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file stared at the captain and waited for his usual request.
The Pope dies and naturally goes to Heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour, he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures and spends the next eon, or so, learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to read every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to originial script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An R!! They left out an 'R'!" God takes him aside offering him comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'...the word was supposed to be 'celebrate'!"
1 "Doctor Doctor, I think I need a pair of glasses"
A riddle: What do you have when you own 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?
I found Jesus. He was behind the sofa all the time.
A duck walks into a drugstore and says, "Gimme some Chapstick. You can put it on my bill.
A snail walked into a bar. He asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "You can't have a drink, you're a snail." And the bartender threw the snail across the road. The snail came back three years later - "What did I do?"
This guy goes into this bar and proceeds to get severely drunk. He finaly asks the bartender where the restroom is and goes in. A couple minutes later the bartender and the other patrons hear a blood-curdling scream from the restroom. A couple of minutes later, another scream. Finally the bartender goes in to see what is going on. He asked the guy why he was screaming. To which he answered, every time I flush the toilet something reaches up and grabs me and squeezes me really hard. So the bartender opens the door to the stall to look in and says: "You dummy, your sitting on a mop bucket."
Here is a political limerick I wrote myself. It is about the Lewinsky scandal and the Ken Starr witch hunt: