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A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 22, 1999

Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." After donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumps, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file stared at the captain and waited for his usual request.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted: "Bring me my brown pants!"

Helen Abramson, Meadowlands,, MN

The Pope dies and naturally goes to Heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour, he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures and spends the next eon, or so, learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to read every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to originial script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An R!! They left out an 'R'!" God takes him aside offering him comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'...the word was supposed to be 'celebrate'!"

Helen Abramson, Meadowlands, MN

1 "Doctor Doctor, I think I need a pair of glasses"
"You're absolutely right Madam, this is Dunkin Donuts"

2. This guy goes on holiday to HongKong and buys a pair of leather shoes from a stallholder. He gets back to his hotel and discovers that the shoes are made mostly of rubber. Back to the stall holder.

Man: " hey, these shoes are rubbery"
Stall holder: " Ah so, thank you velly much sir"

3 This Texan Rancher goes to Scotland for a visit. meets this smallholder driving a tractor.

Texan: " Hey, how long does it take to get round your landholding"
Small holder: " it takes me bout 10 minutes in my tractor"
Texan " That's nothing, it takes me three days"
Small holder " Maybe you should get something that goes a little better"

Fred Cucumber, Mamaroneck, NY

A riddle: What do you have when you own 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?
Ans: a hundred sows 'n' bucks

(best if presented by Oley Andersen or Hans Schmitt)

Tom Breese, Erie, PA

I found Jesus. He was behind the sofa all the time.

jane stapleton, Aspen, CO

A duck walks into a drugstore and says, "Gimme some Chapstick. You can put it on my bill.

Robert Warhover, New York, NY

A snail walked into a bar. He asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "You can't have a drink, you're a snail." And the bartender threw the snail across the road. The snail came back three years later - "What did I do?"

Chase Kimball, IL
Age: going on 13

This guy goes into this bar and proceeds to get severely drunk. He finaly asks the bartender where the restroom is and goes in. A couple minutes later the bartender and the other patrons hear a blood-curdling scream from the restroom. A couple of minutes later, another scream. Finally the bartender goes in to see what is going on. He asked the guy why he was screaming. To which he answered, every time I flush the toilet something reaches up and grabs me and squeezes me really hard. So the bartender opens the door to the stall to look in and says: "You dummy, your sitting on a mop bucket."

Jim Thornton, Shippenville, PA

Here is a political limerick I wrote myself. It is about the Lewinsky scandal and the Ken Starr witch hunt:

Be assured that the sickest by far
are the actions commited by Starr.
For we made him confess
that while wearing The Dress
he contentedly smoked The Cigar.

2nd joke (my interpretation of a local favorite):

A length of twine walks into a bar. The bartender points to a sign above the bar: 'No Strings Allowed.'
The bartender snarls, "Can't you read?"
"But sir," the twine protested emphatically, "I am NOT string, I am twine!"
"Same difference!" says the bartender, and hurls the poor twine into the street.
Although he did not want to give his patronage to such a bigot, the twine was still thirsty, and as it was the only bar in town, he decided to devise a plan.
He stepped into an alley, where he tied himself into a sheepshank and unraveled his hair, thoroughly mussing it.
When he walked into the bar, the bartender said,
"Hey, ain't you the string I just threw out?"
The twine replied, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Third joke, not quite so clean:

A newly married couple is interested in joining an obscure
religious congregation. The pastor meets with them, explaining that in order to proove themselves worthy, they must abstain from intercourse for one month. They agree, and after one month they return.
"How did you do on your test?" asks the pastor.
"Well," the husband says, "it was all going pretty well until yesterday. My wife was wearing this short little skirt. She dropped a can of peas, and leaned over to pick them up, and I just couldn't help it. We went at it right there on the floor."
The pastor looked sad and said, "My children, I am sorry, but you are not ready. I cannot welcome you at this time."
"That's okay." said the young man. "At least we have a second chance here. The manager of the grocery store made it quite clear that we'd never be welcome again."

Thank you for your time.
PS- I don't know if Mr. Keillor peruses some of these submissions himself, but I would be very honored to know that someone I admire as much as him read my work.

Careena Cornette, Zephyrhills, FL

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