A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 22, 1999


Did you hear about the two blondes who died at the drive in? They went to see "Closed For The Winter."



jerry chandler II, Richmond, Va


A skeleton walks into a bar...
orders a beer and a mop

Steve Geiger, San Francisco, CA


So the transvestite went to Mass. Pretty soon the archbishop comes down the aisle, dressed up in his robe and swinging the censer. He gets alongside the transvestite, who says, "Love the dress, honey, but your purse is on fire."

Gene Zipperlen, Fort Worth, TX


Charlie is at the company picnic and meets a man who says, "Hi, I'm Bill, the company president. I'm so glad I got to meet you. Now I've met everyone in the world."

Charlie is skeptical, so Bill says, "Let's test it. Give me somebody's name, and we'll go see them."

Charlie picks Tom Selleck. They get into the company jet, go to Hollywood and knock on Tom Selleck's door. Tom comes to the door and says, "Hey, Bill! How long has it been? Come in; let's have a drink or two."

Charlie is unconvinced and wants another test. He chooses Neil Armstrong. So Bill and Charlie jet down to Houston. Neil comes to the door and says, "Geez, Bill. I haven't seen you since grade school. Remember when you fell out of the tree and broke your arm?

Charlie is still unconvinced, so Bill says, "Well, let's go see the pope. If I know the pope, you should agree that I know everybody in the world."

They go to Rome, and Bill says, "I'll just go inside, and the pope and I will come out on the balcony and wave to you." And they do, waving to the multitude below.

Bill gets back down and finds Charlie fainted cold on the ground. He fans him awake and says, "You shouldn't have been surprised that I know the pope. I told you I know everybody in the world."

Charlie says, "Oh, no, it wasn't that. It was the two guys behind me. One of them asked the other, 'Say, who's that guy with Bill?' "

Gene Zipperlen, Fort Worth, TX


The Texan was trying to impress the guy from Boston with the heroism at the Alamo. He asked, "I guess you don't have many heroes where you're from?"

The Bostonian replies, "Haven't you ever heard of Paul Revere?"

And the Texan says, "Paul Revere? Isn't he the guy who ran for help?"

Gene Zipperlen, Fort Worth, TX


A man came home from work to find his lifeless dog laying on the kitchen floor. He scooped up the dog and rushed to the vet.

The vet examined the dog and said, I'm sorry sir but your dog is dead."

"What!," exclaimed the man, "I want a second opinion."

So, the vet went into the next room and returned with a cat and put the cat up on the examining table with the dog. The cat circled the dog and finally put its tail up and jumped to the floor and left the room.

"It's conclusive," the vet said, "you're dog is dead. Your bill is $250."

"What?," cried the man, "You can't charge me $250 just to tell me that my dog is dead!"

"Oh, no," replied the vet, "only $50 is for me. The other $200 is for the cat scan!"

Chuck Goldstein, Janesville, wi


I had to break up with my girlfriend because she said I was too jealous. And I said, "But I'm jealous of anyone that has sex more often than I do!"

Kevin Corridon, Bayfield, CO


(As told to me by an actual Irishman)
An Irishman walks onto a construction site and finds the foreman.

"The sign says you're hiring workers today, and I'd like to be applying for a job", he says.

And the foreman says, "Well, I need to test your knowledge of construction first. What's that machine over there?"

The Irishman looks, and says, "Oh, that's the front end loader, sor. It picks up the earth in the bucket and moves it from place to place."

The foreman says, "Alright, what's that machine over that way?"


The Irishman looks, and says, "That's the bulldozer, sor. It's for pushing and smoothing out the earth."

The foreman says, "OK, one last question. What's the difference between a joist and a girder?"

And the Irishman says, "Oh, that's an easy one, sor. Joist wrote Ulysses and Girder wrote Faust!"

Kevin Corridon, Bayfield, CO


The new pastor of the local church was visiting the homes in the neighborhood. After knockin gon the first door, the gentleman answered with a surprised look on his face and asked, "Conway Twitty??" The pastor answered, "No sir, I'm told that there is a resemblence, but I'm just here to invite you to church on Sunday." He proceeds to the next home where an older lady answered the door with the same question, "Conway Twitty?" The pastor answered, No, ma'm, I'm told there is a resemblence, but I'm here to invite you to church on Sunday." At the third door, a beautiful young and shapely woman answered the door, "Conway Twitty?" the pastor answered, "Hello, darlin'"

jane laraba, beckley, wv


A reporter hears about an old Indian chief with a phenomenal memory. He decides to interview the chief so he tracks him down and knocks on the chief's door.

The chief opens the door and the reporter says, "How."

The chief replies, "How."

The reporter says, "I hear that you have a prodigious memory."

"This is true.", says the chief.

"Well, what did you have for breakfast 25 years ago today?", the reporter asked, testing the chief.

Without hesitation, the chief replied, "Eggs."

The reporter was polite but didn't think there was much of a story here. And so he went on his way.

TWENTY-FIVE years later, the reporter was retired and traveling the country and happened to be in the chief's neck of the woods. He says to himself, "I think I'll see if that old Indian chief is still around."

He finds the chief's house and knocks on the door and sure enough the old chief answers the door.

The reporter said, "How."

The chief replied, "Scrambled."


Denny Huber, Boalsburg, PA


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