Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 23, 1999
What kind of chicken sits around all day?
Kentucky Fried Chicken
Judy Naillon, KS
A guy and priest go golfing. The guy misses the hole and says,"Damn I missed!" The priest says, "Don't say the D word or God will throw a lightning bolt at you." On the next hole the guy misses and says "Damn..." But the priest
cuts him off and says,"Don't say the D word." On the next hole the guy misses and says "Damn I missed" and a lightning bolt comes down and hits the priest, and God says
"Damn I missed!"
Rowan Byers, CA
What do you call a mother who thinks her daughter is too young for birth control information?
Diane Colello, Saugerties, ny
A city slicker decided to buy a farm ,and he wanted to raise a pig,so he went to a pig farmer,and was told to pick one out,and that they were sold by weight. He picked out a pig,whereupon the farmer picked up the pig with two hands,the pig's tail in his mouth. He said 44 1/2 lbs.The city boy began to argue about the weighing,and the farmer told him this was the traditional way of weighing pigs.The farmer then called his son,and asked him to weigh the pig. He picked it up with 2 hands,put the tail in his mouth,and said "44 1/2 lbs, Paw".The city slicker still objected,so the farmer said "I'm too busy to argue wit you,mister, so, son, go in the house and get yer maw out here to weigh the pig. If she agrees, that's the weight." The kid dcame out a minute later and said,"She's busy,paw.She's weighing the postman."
Jerry Weinraub, St James, NY
God made a new law. It said that in order to get into heaven, your last day alive really has to suck. The rule goes into effect noon the next day. Somebody comes up to the gates of heaven and St. Peter says, "There's a new rule now. In order to get in, the day you died really has to suck. So, how was your day?"
So the guy says, "It was horrible. I came home from my job, went up to my 25th story apartment and saw my wife sitting on the edge of the bed. I asked her where her other boyfriend was, and she didn't answer. I looked around and saw someone holding on to the railing of my balcony. I stepped on his fingers and he fell into the bushes close to the ground. He wasn't dead yet, so I grabbed my refrigerator and threw it down on him. After that, the cord of the refrigerator wrapped around my leg and I guess my head slammed into the railing and killed me."
St. Peter said, "That's really bad, so I'll let you in." Another guy comes up and St. Peter says, "How was your last day alive?"
The guy said, "It was horrible, I was standing on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment having a drink, when the stupid balcony broke. I grabbed onto the balcony below, and some psycho guy stepped on my fingers and after I hit the ground he threw a refrigerator at me."
St. Peter said, "You're in."
Then Bill Clinton comes up and St. Peter says, "We didn't expect you to be up here so soon. Was it an assassin or something?"
Bill Clinton says, "Picture this. Naked in a refrigerator."
Jonathan Buonocore, PA
Do you know what DNA stands for?
The National Dyslexic Association.
Chris Huston, Waterford, PA
Jesus and Moses were getting a little bored up in heaven, so they decided to come down to earth and play a round of golf.
At the golf course, they picked up a third fellow and went to tee off.
Moses went up first. He swung, and made a beautiful shot, was going straight down the fairway until a little gust of wind sent it into the water trap. Moses walked to the edge of the water, raised his arms and parted the water. After tossing a flailing trout back into the water, he chipped the ball up onto the green.
Jesus went next. Made a beautiful shot too, going right down the fairway until another gust of wind sent it into the water trap. Jesus walked out onto the water, raised the ball about the water and chipped the ball onto the green.
Now, the third guy was getting a little confused by all this, but he took his turn at the tee. Made a nice shot as well, but, wouldn't you know it, it went into the water trap and was swallowed by that trout. All of a sudden, an albatross flew down and grabbed the trout out of the water and started flying off with it, until an eagle swooped down and started fighting with the albatross, who dropped the fish onto the green, where the ball popped out of the trout and rolled into the cup.
Jesus looked up to the sky and said "Thanks a lot, Dad!"
Elizabeth Loree, gloucester, on
What is Viagra made of?
Fix a Flat.
President Clinton went to Arkansas to speak to some third graders. He was trying to teach then the meaning of tragedy and he asked if any of them knew what it meant.
One little boy raised his hand and said "If my sister was playing out in the street and a truck hit her and killed her that would be a tragedy.
"No," said Billy Jeff (Bill), "that would be an accident"
Then a little girl raised her hand and said "It is when a busload of children were going somewhere and a train hit them and killed them...that would be a tragedy."
No, said clinton, "That would be a terrible loss"
Then little Johnny in the back of the room raised his hand. "Do you know what a tragedy is?"
"Yes I do," said Johnny." "It is like when you and Hilary and Chelsea are in Air Force One and someone sets off a bomb and kills all of ya'll"
"That is right," Said Bill. "How did you come to that?"
"well," said johnny "It wouldn't be an accident and it sure as heck wouldn't be a terrible loss!"
Johnathan Dobbs, West Monroe, LA
A man walks into the doctor's office. The doctor notices that he has a frog sticking out of his left ear. The doctor asks, "How did this happen?"
The frog replies, "Well it started as a wart on my back-end..."
Ian Kelley, CO
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