A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 23, 1999


Q. What did the necktie say to the hat?

A. You go on ahead, I'll just hang around.

Brian Kelly, Santa Paula, CA


Q. What has four wheels and flies?

A. A garbage truck.

Brian Kelly, Santa Paula, CA


Ole and Lena decided to have Sven over for chicken dinner. So Lena made the chicken and they sat down to eat. They were talking and laughing when Lena started to cough and gasp. She was choking. Sven said, "Oh Ole, you must do something!" So Ole goes over to Lena and grabs her by the ankles and turns her upside down. He pulls her panties up and starts licking her butt. All of a sudden the chicken bones come out on the floor. And Sven goes, "Oh Ole, I'm so glad you knew that "hind-lick" maneuver!!"

As told in your best Scan da hoovian accent!


We enjoy the show so much. During last year's show we were painting the baby's room and we were immobilized with laughter. We're looking forward to the April 10 show!!

Sincerely,

Paula Mantel (a native NoDaakker)

Paula Foss Mantel, Fairfield, CT


How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six. Two to screw in the new bulb and four to testify that light began while they were screwing.

A.J. Mayhew, Hillsborough, NC


An electric train is going 60mph to the right and the wind is blowing 60mph to the left. Which way does the smoke go?

A rooster lays a egg on top of a house. The wind is blowing to the right. Which way does the egg fall?

What does S.H.O.P spell? What do you do when you come to a green light?

Tom May, Eagan, MN


An elderly man approached a golf pro and asked, "Can you set me up with a golf partner about my own age?" As it happened, the pro did--in fact, the partner was even older.
"I'm 82," the first golfer explained, "and I usually golf with my buddy who's 75, but he's off on his honeymoon. I need somebody to spot the ball for me. I can still see it up close, but I lose it in the distance."
"I'm 94," the second old-timer said. "But I've got perfect vision. I'm your man."
They go onto the course and the first man tees off. "That felt good," he said. "Are you sure you can see it?"
"Of course I can," the second man said. "I told you, I've got 20-20 vision. My eyesight's perferct!"
"Okay," said the first golfer. "Where'd it go, then?"
And the second golfer said, "Where'd what go?"

Brad Strickland, Oakwood, GA


The linguistics professor decided to spice up his lecture
by comparing languages to mathmatics. As he scribbled
examples on the board, he explained how both math and
languages had positives and negatives.
"In both math and language, two negatives, when combined,
make a positive. However," he drolled on, "in math or
language two positives never make a negative."
From the back row of the room one student sighed, "yeah, yeah."

David McMillen, Dickson, TN


A gorilla escaped from the local zoo. A woman is home and hears a noise on the roof. She goes outside and spots the gorilla running back and forth on top of the house. She goes back inside and calls the zoo. Just a few minutes later, a truck from the zoo pulls up. A man gets out carrying a net, a ladder, a shotgun, and leading a vicious dog on a leash. The woman comes out and asks the man what he plans to do. He says that he is going to climb up on the roof and push the gorilla off. The dog is specially trained to bite and hold the gorilla by the groin until he can climb down and throw the net over the gorilla. Noticing the shotgun, she asks what he is going to do with it. He hands the shotgun to the woman and says that she is to stand by - if the gorilla pushes him off the roof, shoot the dog.


Patrick Clancy, Manchester, CT


my short term memory doesn't work anymore, and I don't remember if my long term memory works.


Dale Edmondson, Weaverville, Ca


The following joke came from Steve Gillette & Cindy Mangsen's Compass Rose Music home page at http://www.sover.net/~gillette/jokes.html

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.

It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the Rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.

They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right, the cow moves left, and when the bull moves in from the left, the cow moves to the right. What do we do?" The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."



Patrick Clancy, Manchester, CT


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