A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 23, 1999

What happens when you play a country music song backwards?

You get your girl back, you get your truck back, you get your dog back!


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, but no atmosphere!

Barbara Haas, Richmond, VA

Years ago, when I was a boy growing up in Northern Pennsylvania, the winters were much colder, much longer. Bears, wolves and such used to migrate from Canada, through New York State, and end up in our corn fields, foraging for food. There were even several sightings of grizzly bears. This, of course, caused much talk, speculation, and mild panic amongst the citizens of the little farming community. After several meetings, it was decided that county agents would educate the local populace and visitors on the dangers of meeting a grizzly in the wild. Some learned members of the area decided that wearing brass bells would help. The tinkling of the bells was annoying to the beasts, and would cause them to flee the area. Also, pepper spray would also hinder an attack, or reduce the chances of it. In addition, people would have to be made aware of the warning signs that a bear, black, grizzly, or otherwise, was in the area. The easiest way to ascertain what type had been in the area, was to study the droppings. Black bear droppings were soft, not too large, and contained remains of berries, leaves, or the occasional fish. Grizzly bear droppings were larger, firmer, and contained any number of small brass bells, and smelled stronly of pepper.
With time, the problem resolved itself.

David Belles, Baltimore, MD

One night a vampire bat flew home to his buddies absolutely dripping with blood. They all swarmed around him asking where he had found such a huge supply of blood. The bat finally sighed and said to them, "Follow me." So he flew off at high speed through the dense forest with his cronies right behind. Finally he screeched to a stop just centimeters from a massive knotted old tree. He said them, "See this tree?" They all nodded their little batty heads. "I didn't."

Pamela Miles, Whitefish Bay, WI

A man, let's call him Joe, started a new job at a massive sky scraper. Throughout the first week of his new job he kept hearing about the incredible bar on the top floor. Finally that Friday after work he decided to go check out the bar. While sipping his drink, Joe noticed the man next to him doing something very odd. He would order a shot of tequila, drink it down, then walk out onto the balcony and jump off. Five minutes later Joe would see him stroll back into the bar and order another tequila. After an hour or so of this the novelty started to wear off and Joe asked the man how he was able to jump from that height without killing himself. The man replied, "The alcohol in the tequila sufficiently alters my bouyancy so that I'm able to slow the acceleration of my fall in order to land unhurt." Maybe it was the booze Joe had already consumed, or maybe it was the fact that the Packers had gone to the superbowl twice that decade, but for some reason Joe decided to try this out. He ordered the tequila, drank it all down and jumped off the balcony. He took out two street mimes and a pigeon as he fell to his death. The bartender sneered at the man and said, "You really are a jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

Pamela Miles, Whitefish Bay, WI

One day little Suzy came home crying from the doctor's office. Her mother asked what had happened. "I had to take a blood test," Suzy said. "Oh, did the needle hurt your finger?" her mother asked. "It's not that, I flunked the test." "How could you flunk a blood test?" her mother asked. "Well, Rosie got an A+, Mary got a B-, and I got a 0!"

Pamela Miles, Whitefish Bay, WI

What does DNA stand for?
The National Dsylexia Association.

Pamela Miles, Whitefish Bay, WI

How can you tell if you're in the car with an unintelligent driver (who might be blond)?

They sit at the corner and wait for the stop sign to change.

Pamela Miles, Whitefish Bay, WI

A woman came home to find her dog lying on the floor and unresponsive to her calls. She scooped him up and took him to the vet saying "I don't know if he's even alive," The vet took the dog into the examining room, looked him over and got a big tom cat our of a near-by cage and the cat was allowed to walk over the dog's body without any reaction from the dog at all. The vet returned to the lady in the waiting room with a long, sad face and declared the dog to be dead. The woman inquired about his bill and was told she owed $220. $220? she asked, What for? The vet explained that office visits were $20 and the $200 was for a cat-scan.

Glenn Petty, Tulsa, OK

A guy dies and the next thing he knows he's up at the place with the pearly gates and standing before the Recording Angel.

The Recording Angel asks him, "In all the years you were married were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"

The guy thinks a moment then says, "No. No. I was always 101% faithful to her through 45 years of marriage."

The Recording Angel scratches something down in a big book, then he says to the guy, "OK, mister, you can have that Cadillac over there to drive around here."

Another guy finds himself before the Recording Angel. The Recording Angel asks him, "In all the years you were married were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"

This second guy takes a moment. He hems and haws a few minutes, then he says, "Well, I did flirt a little, and there was that one night with Marlene. But other than that I tried to remain faithful to my wife through 35 years of marriage. I guess I just wasn't perfect, huh?"

The Recording Angel scratches something in his book and says, "Don't worry about it. You can have that motorbike over there to get around."

Finally a third guy finds himself before the Recording Angel. The Recording Angel asks him, "In all the years
you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"

The guy blushes a bit.
"C'mon," he says. "You know I wasn't the best of husbands. I cheated on my wife three times, and then I was a terrible flirt."

"We know, we know," says the Recording Angel without looking up from his Big Book. He scratches something down in that book then says, "Don't worry about it. We'll let you have that bicycle over there."

Sometime later the guy on the bicycle comes across the guy with the Cadillac. The guy with the Cadillac is bent over the hood and is just bawling his eyes out.

The guy on the bicycle stops and asks him, "Hey, wh-what's wrong? Doesn't your car run OK?"

"Oh it runs fine," the other guy says -- tears straming down his face.

"Then what did they do? Did they give you the wrong color or something?"

The guy with the Cadillac replies, "The car is fine. It's just that--just that--" More sobs. "I just just passed my wife.........and she was on roller skates!"

Phil Park-Thomas, GROVE, OKLAHOMA

(best if told in a thick Irish brogue)

A man walks into a pub one day and orders 3 pints of Guinness Stout from the barkeep. Since the man is new to the area, the barkeep doesn't know him and assumes that the man is ordering for friends who are yet to arive. Well, the man finds a table at the back of the pub and sits down alone to enjoy his beer. He takes a sip from the first and a sip from the second and a sip from the third, repeating this until all three pints are empty. When he returns to the bar to order three more the barkeep asks him why he ordered three pints at one time if he's drinking alone. The man explains that he and his two brothers have sworn a solem oath of tradition that whenever they are far away from each other and having a drink that they must also have a drink for the brothers whom they miss dearly. The barkeep agrees that it's a fine tradition. So the man becomes a regular and all the other regulars come to know him and of his oath with his brothers. Until one day the man walks into the pub, orders two pints of Guinness and takes his usual table at the back. The pub grows silent as all the people realize what this must mean. After the man finishes his two pints he returns to the bar to order two more. The barkeep says to him that the next two are on the house and that he's sorry to here about the loss of his brother. The man is confused for a minute and then replies, "No one has died, I gave up drinking for lent."

Gerald Yungling, Carbondale, IL

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