Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 23, 1999
What happens when you play a country music song backwards?
Years ago, when I was a boy growing up in Northern Pennsylvania, the winters were much colder, much longer. Bears, wolves and such used to migrate from Canada, through New York State, and end up in our corn fields, foraging for food. There were even several sightings of grizzly bears. This, of course, caused much talk, speculation, and mild panic amongst the citizens of the little farming community. After several meetings, it was decided that county agents would educate the local populace and visitors on the dangers of meeting a grizzly in the wild. Some learned members of the area decided that wearing brass bells would help. The tinkling of the bells was annoying to the beasts, and would cause them to flee the area. Also, pepper spray would also hinder an attack, or reduce the chances of it. In addition, people would have to be made aware of the warning signs that a bear, black, grizzly, or otherwise, was in the area. The easiest way to ascertain what type had been in the area, was to study the droppings. Black bear droppings were soft, not too large, and contained remains of berries, leaves, or the occasional fish. Grizzly bear droppings were larger, firmer, and contained any number of small brass bells, and smelled stronly of pepper.
One night a vampire bat flew home to his buddies absolutely dripping with blood. They all swarmed around him asking where he had found such a huge supply of blood. The bat finally sighed and said to them, "Follow me." So he flew off at high speed through the dense forest with his cronies right behind. Finally he screeched to a stop just centimeters from a massive knotted old tree. He said them, "See this tree?" They all nodded their little batty heads. "I didn't."
A man, let's call him Joe, started a new job at a massive sky scraper. Throughout the first week of his new job he kept hearing about the incredible bar on the top floor. Finally that Friday after work he decided to go check out the bar. While sipping his drink, Joe noticed the man next to him doing something very odd. He would order a shot of tequila, drink it down, then walk out onto the balcony and jump off. Five minutes later Joe would see him stroll back into the bar and order another tequila. After an hour or so of this the novelty started to wear off and Joe asked the man how he was able to jump from that height without killing himself. The man replied, "The alcohol in the tequila sufficiently alters my bouyancy so that I'm able to slow the acceleration of my fall in order to land unhurt." Maybe it was the booze Joe had already consumed, or maybe it was the fact that the Packers had gone to the superbowl twice that decade, but for some reason Joe decided to try this out. He ordered the tequila, drank it all down and jumped off the balcony. He took out two street mimes and a pigeon as he fell to his death. The bartender sneered at the man and said, "You really are a jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
One day little Suzy came home crying from the doctor's office. Her mother asked what had happened. "I had to take a blood test," Suzy said. "Oh, did the needle hurt your finger?" her mother asked. "It's not that, I flunked the test." "How could you flunk a blood test?" her mother asked. "Well, Rosie got an A+, Mary got a B-, and I got a 0!"
What does DNA stand for?
How can you tell if you're in the car with an unintelligent driver (who might be blond)?
A woman came home to find her dog lying on the floor and unresponsive to her calls. She scooped him up and took him to the vet saying "I don't know if he's even alive," The vet took the dog into the examining room, looked him over and got a big tom cat our of a near-by cage and the cat was allowed to walk over the dog's body without any reaction from the dog at all. The vet returned to the lady in the waiting room with a long, sad face and declared the dog to be dead. The woman inquired about his bill and was told she owed $220. $220? she asked, What for? The vet explained that office visits were $20 and the $200 was for a cat-scan.
A guy dies and the next thing he knows he's up at the place with the pearly gates and standing before the Recording Angel.
(best if told in a thick Irish brogue)