Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 23, 1999
Detective: Did you give the prisoner the third degree?
Officer: Yeah, we browbeat him, asked all kinds of questions.
Detective: And did you get a confession?
Officer: Not exactly. All he did was say "Yes Dear" and dozed off.
Jerry Chandler II, Richmond, Va
What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A blonde electrician.
What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block.
How do you drown a blonde in a swimming pool?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool.
Jerry Chandler, Richmond, Va
A man was hit by a bus while crossing a street in New York. A crowd gathers as the man gasps, "Some one get me a priest." A policeman checks the crowd. No priests or any other men of God are about. Again the dying man begs for a priest. From out of the crowd a little old Jewish fellow of about 80 years of age steps up and tells the officer, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But I've been living behind the Catholic Church on 1st Ave. for the last 50 years and every night I am listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The officer thought about it and brought the old fellow over to the dying man. The old fellow kneels over the man, takes one of his hands, and says in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-29. N-9. G-14. O-32...."
Jerry Chandler II, Richmond, Va
A travelling salesman drove past a farm one day and noticed a pig with one wooden leg. He didn't think much of it until a week later, driving by the same farm, the pig had two wooden legs. The third week, the pig had three wooden legs, and finally, after seeing the pig the fourth week with four wooden legs, he had to stop to inquire about it.
He tracked down the farmer and asked him about the strange sight. The farmer told him, "Well, that's the greatest pig alive. About a month ago, he saved my wife and kids and me from our burning house by waking us up in the middle of the night just in time to escape without any harm!"
The salesman continue to prod the farmer about the pig's wooden legs. "Well," the farmer replied, "this pig is just like one of the family. He's a really great pig. A couple of weeks ago, our youngest boy fell in the creek, and this truly wonderful pig fished him out just in time to save him from drowning! He's one really great pig!"
The salesman, starting to lose his patience, again inquired about the wooden legs, to which the farmer replied, "Last week, I fell off my horse and my foot got caught up in the stirrup. This great pig ran along side of the horse and me and untangled me and truly saved my life. What a great pig - the greatest pig in the world!!"
Losing his patience, the salesman finally shouted, "All right already, That's enough! He's a really great pig - a REALLY great pig! But what about his wooden legs?!"
To which the farmer replied, "Well now, a great pig like that - you don't eat him all at once!"
Rick Shabsin, Rochester, MN
Women like silent men. They think they're listening.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I need a new apartment."
A dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue in the Netherlands flag to an American.
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and go blue after we pay them."
The American nodded. "Same deal with us. Only we see stars too."
Redmond, Wa (API) - Microsoft has announced today that the release date for "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the 2nd quarter of 1901.
Jerry Chandler II, Richmond, Va
Three professionals are stranded on an island: a chemist, an engineer and an economist. One day, as they are nearly starving, a can of non-perishable corned beef washes up on shore. They can't believe their fantastic luck but soon start bickering about the best way to get at the prized victuals.
The chemist makes the first suggestion: "The can is made of aluminum. If we wait long enough, it will naturally decompose and we can then eat its luscious contents."
The engineer interjects: "We'll all be dead by then. I suggest we use this rock and stick as a lever to pry it open."
The economist, looking lost, offers: "Wait. First things first. Let's assume it's possible to open the can."
J. Royce, Amherst, MA
Swen owned a farm on one side of the hill and Ole owned the farm on the other side. Swen had a seventeen year old daughter and Ole had a seventeen year old son, who was dating Swen's daughter. As the two young people got to know one another, the spent a lot of time at Swen's farm. The winters were long and cold, but the two young love birds would spend time doing chore's and other things.
One day Ole stopped by to visit Swen. Ole asked, " How are the young'ins doing ?"
To this Swen answered, " They have been fine, Ole, but I've been meaning to talk to you about that habit your son has! At first it was not a problem, but now, umping (j)immy. Every time I turn around, Christ all mighty man, you need to talk to him will ya!
Ole could not figure out what Swen was talking about... Ole asks, " What do you mean, my boy is a good worker, he has great manners, why... most people tell me he is a joy to have around..... What are you talking about!!"
Swen, getting excited now said, " I think we all have done this at one time or another, but this is too much. Your son has been pissing out side in the snow ! And it must stop now!! "
Ole could not believe what he heard, he asked, " Have you seen him do this Swen?? "
Swen: " No, but I know it's been him"
Ole: "Now How Do You Know it's been him..?"
Swen : " Because , .... he has been writing his name in the snow.... all over my farm, I see his name, over in the N. 40, over in the orchard, down by the stream, behind the barn..... why I seen his name, just out side the house, and Ole, this just frosts, my butt... under My Daughter's bedroom window!!!!"
Ole, feeling embarrassed said, " Well Swen, I can see now how you would be so up set, let's take a look under your daughters bedroom window. I want to see this for my self, so I can tell my son how embearished I am."
So the two men walk out side and take a look.... Ole had to turn around and put is back up against the house to read it, but sure enough, their in the snow was his son's name.... Ole said, " I'm so sorry Swen..... this is terrible.... this is .... is.......... hummm..... will you look at that..... why, I never.."
Swen could not see what Ole was talking about, " What is it Ole..??"
Ole said, " You see, it looks like , ya, it sure does.... that is not my son's handwriting,.... I believe it's your daughters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 "
Question: What food group is guarantee to reduce a woman's sex drive 90 %.....????
Answer: Wedding Cake !!!!!!!!!!!!
James Gardner, Kelso, WA
Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
Bill Herman, Petal, MS
Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear; those that weren't swears were, to say the least, rude.
Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music...anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the bird in the freezer. For a few minutes he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I am sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Dean Macy, Peterborough, NH
Q: What happens if you throw a yellow stone into the Red Sea?
A: It gets wet!
Deejay Macdonald, IN
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