Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 23, 1999
A freighter left Japan with 10,000 cases of yo-yos to deliver to the USA. It ran into a storm and sank 141 times.
An Irish priest and a nun were driving through Transylvania one dark night. Suddenly a shape reared up in front of the car, and the priest jammed on the brakes. The figure spread its cape and said, "I vant to drink your blood!"
"It's a vampire!" the priest yelled. "Quick, Sister, lean out the window and show him your cross!"
And the nun leaned out and bellowed, "Get out of the road, ye worthless heathen idiot!"
Brad Strickland, Oakwood, GA
Guy from the North is driving through Georgia in December. He sees a Nativity scene set up outside a church, but among the shepherds are three men in yellow slickers and fireman's helmets. Curiosity gets the best of the Northerner, so he pulls over and goes into a business across from the Nativity scene. He asks the lady at the counter about the three firemen.
"Oh, those are the Wise Men," she explained.
"So how come they're dressed like that?" the guy asked.
She gave him a pitying look. "Honey, don't you Yankees ever read the Bible? It says right there that 'They came from afar.'"
Guy walks into a bar and says, "I just heard a great redneck joke!"
HUGE guy stands up off a barstool and says, "Just a minute, buddy. Before you tell that joke, I'm Jake. I'm six-three and weigh two-eighty, all muscle. And I'm a redneck. That guy over there is a professional wrestler, and HE's a redneck. And the guy behind the bar has a pistol next to the cash register and HE's a redneck, too. Now, you really want to tell that joke?"
And the fellow thinks and says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three different times."
A cowboy walks out of a bar and a second later comes back in, mighty mad. "Okay," he growls. "Now which one of you sidewindin' hombres went outside an' painted mah horse bright red while I was a-drinkin'?" Nobody answered, and the cowpoke drew his six-shooter and yelled, "I SAID, WHICH ONE OF YOU NO-GOOD POLECATS PAINTED MAH HORSE RED?"
Slowly one of the cowboys at the bar stood up. He was six feet nine inches tall, and he pulled a small cannon from his holster. "I done it," he growled.
And the first cowboy put his gun back in the holster and said, "Just wanted to let you know the first coat's dry."
Brad Strickland, Oakwood, GA
A young boy asked his mother for a new bike.
His mother, a very religious woman, said, "Son, just pray to Jesus when you really want something."
So, the son, thinking that praying wouldn't be nearly enough, decided to write Jesus a letter: "Dear Jesus, If I am good for a whole month, would you please send me a bike?"
Then he sat there and thought to himself, "A month is a heck of a long time."
So he began to write again: "Dear Jesus, If I am good for a whole week..."
Then he sat there and thought to himself, "A week is a heck of a long time."
And he began to write again: "Dear Jesus, If I am good for a whole day, would you please send me a bike?"
Satisfied with this, the boy began to walk to the mailbox to mail the letter to Jesus. As he approached the mailbox, he looked at the envelope... Then, he tore it to shreds.
He quickly ran home and took the statue of the Virgin Mary off of his bureau. He placed the small statue in a shoe box and taped it shut. He then threw the shoe box into his closet and sat down and wrote another letter:
"Dear Jesus, I'm holding your mother for ransom!"
David Loar, Romney, WV
Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."
The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these chickens, look at what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies: "Now, don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young to take over -- so take a hike!"
The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"
The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop."
The young rooster smiles: "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."
The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.
They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion, looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens!
Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Dammit! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."
David Loar, Romney, WV
Remember, elevators smell different to little people.
Steve Aloff, Midland, MI
A husband and wife were working in their garden. The wife bends over and the husband looked over at her saying
"I never realized how big your backside was! You're as wide as our gas grill!!" Later, that evening, the husband is feeling frisky. The wife responds with "Not tonight honey. I'm not going to start up the grill for just one weenie".
Laura McIntosh-Young, Powder Springs, GA
A guy goes to a Psychiatrist and teels him that he has a problem. The Psychiatrist asks him "What kind of problem do you have? The man repliews "I can't remember things for very long" The Psychiatrist then asks, "How long have you had this problem?" The man replies "What problem?"
John Quatrini, Amsterdam, NY
I would like to submit to your Joke Show some of the bumper-sticker sayings I have collected over the years. I hope you enjoy them.
Friends help you move.
Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile.You Will Be Assimilated.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
Wink, I'll do the rest!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Forget about World Peace-Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'..till you can find a rock.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Rob Niewold, Elburn, IL
A postal work is delivering mail early on the morning of Christmas eve. As he puts the envelopes into the mail box of one house, a scantaly clad woman opens the front door and says, "Would you like breakfast?"
The mailman agrees and is surprize to see every possible breakfast food already prepared and waiting at the table. Every type of eggs disk, pancakes, cerial, and even kippers! He eats a big meal and tries to leave the house.
The woman grabs him by the arm and says, "Would you like to make love now?" He agrees.
An hour later they are finished and the mailman tries to leave the house again but the woman stops him and hand him a crisp one dollar bill.
"Lady, what's going on? You feed me breakfast, make love to me and THEN give me a dollar. What is going on?"
She smiled, "My husband and I were finishing the Christmas shopping list last ight when we came to your name. I said I wanted to buy you a nice set of gloves but my husband said, 'Screw the mailman. Give him a buck.' Breakfast was my idea.
D. Stokes, Southlake, TX
A man came running into the vet office with his dog in his arms. "Help me!" he said. "Something is wrong with my dog." The girl took him to an exam room and put the dog on the table and went for the vet. The vet came in and said, "Your dog is dead." The man answered, "No, he is not. I want a second opinion." So the vet went out and brought in a cat. He put the cat on the table and it walked around the dog and then shook its head. "See," the vet said, "the dog is dead."
The man said, "No, I won't believe that. I want another opinion." So the vet went out and brought in a black lab dog. The dog walked around the table sniffing and then it shook its head. "See," the vet said, "your dog is dead."
"OK," said the man. "How much do I owe you?" The vet said, "$650." "Wow," said the man. "Is that for telling me my dog is dead?" "No," said the vet. "I charged you $50 for the diagnosis, but there is a $600 charge for the cat scan and the lab test."
Mary Ellen Braithwaite, Blackfoot, ID
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