Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 26, 1999
Farmer Sven was having a bit of trouble with his bull, Toro. It seems Toro was not up to performing his "husbandly duties". Sven went to see his good friend & veterinarian Ola and explained the problem. Ola said, "I've got yust da ting. Have Toro take dees pills, and soon he'll a be yust as goot as new!. Of course Sven took the pills and gave them to Toro. The next morning, Toro had a big smile on his face, as did Farmer Sven's 5 cows! This continued for several days.
As luck would have it, Sven was discussing this with his neighbor Lars, and Lars said, "Hey, I am havin' da same trouble wit my Bull. What waz in doze pills dat Ola gave you for Toro??
"I don't know", said Sven, "But dey taste like chocolate!"
Greg Staff, Houston, TX
What do you call a man with a ten rabbits in his pants...Warren
CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE:
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's
Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Big Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Become Friends"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
Ursula Szablowski, South Boston, MA
Iraqi Prime Time Television Schedule
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
10:00 Allah McBeal
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right
9:00 Children Are Forbidden From Saying The DarndestThings
9:30 Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:00 U.S. Military Secrets Revealed
8:30 When Kurds Attack
9:00 Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah
9:30 Just Shoot Me
8:00 Matima Loves Chachi
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdads
10:00 Diagnosis: Heresy
8:00 Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot
8:30 Only Our Will and Grace From God Can Keep Us From Touching Each
9:00 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things
9:30 Achmed's Creek
Ursula Szablowski, South Boston, MA
If you're American when you walk into the bathroom, and American when you leave the bathroom, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
Francis Donner, Toledo, OH
Fred: What did the Stop Sign say to the Traffic Signal?
Ed: I dunno, What?
Fred: What's the matter there? Can't make up your mind?
Donald Walters, Baltimore, MD
A curate in an English village was approached by the headmistess of the local middle school. She asked him to address her class on the subject of sex. He agreed on a date, but then realized that his wife, who didn't approve of his discussing sex either in public or private, would see his calender, since she kept track of his appointments.
Therefore, when entering the appointment on his calender, he decided to put that he was to give a talk on "sailing".
A couple of days later his wife happened to run into the headmistress on the street and they got to talking. The headmistress thanked the curates wife for his agreeing to talk at the school. The wife reacted as follows: "I don"t know why you want him to speak on this subject. He dosen't know any thing about it. He's only done it twice. The first time he got sick, and the second time his hat blew off!"
Phillip Eide, Anchorage, Ak
It was a horrible last sight above the Met last night when an accident claimed the lives of hundreds. Apparently the collapse of the building was indirectly caused by the mid-air collision of Madama Butterfly and the Flying Dutchman.
Pamela Miles, Whitefish Bay, WI
I hear your momma is so fat that when she takes a bath the toilet overflows!
At a recent news conference President Clinton was asked to comment on the Y2K problem. His reply was that he didn't use the stuff!
Harvey Cantor, Philadelphia, PA
One boy to another:
"My dad can beat up your dad."
"Oh, yeah? How much would that cost?"
Steve B, Bethesda, Md
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