Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 26, 1999
A philosopher was walking along the beach and found a stoppered
bottle washed up by the tide. When he pulled out the stopper, a
genie emerged and said, "As a reward for releasing me, I'll grant
you either infinite wisdom or infinite wealth. Which shall it be?"
The philosopher didn't hesitate at all: "Infinite wisdom, of course
....... DAMN!! I should have taken the money."
James Barrett, Stony Brook, NY
This is a joke I read on the internet:
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
How can there be self-help "groups?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How do "Do Not walk on the grass" signs get there?
How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
Several ways you can tell if you are in Wisconsin:
1. You can actually pronounce, and spell, Oconomowoc.
2. You go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home wearing shorts.
3. "Down South" to you means Chicago.
4. You know how to polka.
5. Traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee.
Christine Brummund, Grand Rapids, MI
Three sure signs that you are in the midddle of a mid life crisis is if you are fat, blond, and working in a diner.
There are three diffirent types of people in life: pessimists, optimists and cynics. Pessimists think that the glass is half empty, the optimists think the glass is half full and the cynics don't care how full the glass is, they just want to drink whats in it before the goverment takes it away from them.
One day, a blonde decided that she was going to make some money by kidnapping a child. She went to the park and grabbed a little boy. She then put a note on his back telling his mother to leave a million dollars by the slide and sent him back. The mother found the note when she got home.
The next day, the blonde went to the slide and found a million dollars and a note that read: How could you do this to a fellow blonde?
A man is leaning out the window of his apartment.
All of a sudden, a glass eye falls down the building. He
manages to catch it. He goes up to the next floor to see
if someone lost it. He knocks on the door of the
apartment, and sure enough, a woman with only one eye
opens the door. He gives her back the eye, she puts it
back in, and they get to talking.
"Listen," she says, "do you want to come in for a drink?"
He agrees, and she fixes him a drink. Afterwards, she
says "Would you like to stay for dinner?"
The man is puzzled, but he's hungry, and he has dinner
with the woman, and after that she says
"Would you like to spend the night?"
The guy is now completely puzzled.
"First you give me a drink, then dinner, then you invite
me to stay the night? Do you do this with every guy you
"No," she says. "Only the ones who catch my eye."
Jeff Kidd, Barrington, RI
Q: What did one microorganism stockbroker say to the other microorganism stockbroker?
Q: What did one microorganism stockbroker say to the other microorganism stockbroker as it was leaving?
Jonathan Bines, New York, NY
Linda Tripp appears on television and says, "Let me tell you who I am. I am you."
Watching at home, Elia Kazan says "Finally, someone who understands me."
Alan Plessinger, Mountain View, CA
An even worse continuation from P Bargar's "Bell ringer" joke posted March 15:
As it turned out, the young man only seemed to be dead and was later revived at a local hospital.
He returned to the Parish the next day slightly bandaged, but still hoping to get the bell ringer position. The father took a few seconds too long to recognize him, and so as the man yelled "I'll show you I'm still the best man for the job!" the Father was unable to prevent him from his unique bell ringing style.
As the father rushed to the reeling man to prevent him from hurting himself, the bandaged man yelled in desperation; "I MUST have this job!" and with that, hurled himself again toward the large bell.
Just as the day before, he mistimed his jump, and flew through the open bell tower window, falling to his death.
As the police arrived at the scene, they were a little shocked that the same incident could happen two days in a row. The investigator again interviewed the Father and inquired if he knew who today's unfortunate man was.
"No I don't," the Father replied, "but he sure is a DEAD RINGER for the guy who came by yesterday!"
John Biddle, New Brunswick, NJ
A fellow was having a very bad week at work. One particularly bad morning his wife called and said she was having trouble with the washing machine. He said, " What are you calling me for? Do I look like the Maytag repairman?" A couple of hours later, his wife called again and said she couldn't get the car started. " What are you calling me for? Do I look like the Mr. Goodwrench?"
When he got home he was feeling better and ask his wife what she did about the washer. She responded that she call an auto mechanic who fixed the car and also fixed the washer. He said, "Good. How much did it cost?" She answered, "When I asked what I owed him, he said I could bake him a cake or go to bed with him." The husband asked, "so what did you do, bake him a cake?" She said, " What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"
Bob Preston, Holden Beach, NC
What's the real reason Bob Dole endorses viagra? It keeps him from rolling out of bed!
dan Karns, Arvada, CO
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