A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 26, 1999

This is more of a story than a joke, but funny none the less.
While in college at Kansas State University I was an active member of the Fraternity, Alpha Tau Omega...and each year we held a theme party entitled "Truckin'"...a tribute to the Grateful Dead. Every year we tried to find a local band that could cover the "Dead" and do it some justice.
The pickings were slim in our town named Manhattan, Kansas...but we settled on a middle aged group of four that agreed to play. Being that they were middle aged men, they weren't accustomed to the longer musical sets a college crowd demands, so after about two and half hours of playing the leader of the band approached our Social Chairman, and asked if he and his band could put the show to sleep.
"Play until somebody calls the cops" our Social Chairman said.
Grudgingly the band played on.
About 45 minutes later two of the Little Apples finest pulled up to the parking lot, and the shout went out...
"Pull the Plug the cops are here!"
Our Social Chair stumbled up the make shift stage steps and told the band leader the that someone had called the cops, and it was okay to quit.
"I know replied the band leader...I called them."
I swear to you that it is true.

Aaron Decker, North Hollywood, CA

Not original, but modified for PHC.

When Lena was visiting Norway
She hung by her heels in a doorway;
She yelled,"Oley, oh, boy!
Check page 12. in 'The Joy...',
I think I've discovered one more way."

Greg Howell, W. Los Angeles, CA

One day a Wealthy man sent three men out to get him some cheese.
The first man comes back and puts the cheese on the table.
The wealthy man asks him, "what kind of cheese is this?"
The first man says, "it's Swiss cheese."
The wealthy man says "how do you know this?"
The first man replies "It's got those holes in it."

The second man comes back put his cheese on the table.
The wealthy man asks him, "what kind of cheese is this?"
The second man says "it's American cheese"
The wealthy man says "how do you know this?"
The second man replies "because it's got that orangy-yellow colour

The third man returns puts his cheese on the table.
The wealthy man asks him, "and what kind of cheese have you brought my?"
The third man replies "Nacho cheese"
The wealthy man says "how do you know this?"
The thrid man says "cuase the man I got the cheese yelled to me HEY THAT'S NOTC-YO-CHEESE.

Emily Sullivan, Plattsburgh, NY
Age: 18

#1: 87.3% of all statistics are made up.

#2: What do you call a friendly Kansan that shares
pork with you? A Prarie Ham Companion.

#3: A fellow was walking down the road and just had
to stop and watch two government workers. The first
government worker would take about three steps, stop,
then dig a hole. The second government worker would
come along behind the first one and fill up the hole.
Not being able to stand it, our fella asked these workers
what they were doing. "Well," the first worker replied,
"Manny, Moe, and me plant trees. I dig the hole, Moe
plants the trees, and Manny fills 'em up. But Moe's
sick today..." (Borrowed from a co-worker).

Al Stone, Fort Collins, CO

NASA recently fired a bunch of cows into earth's orbit.

It was the Herd Shot Round The World

Ed Breunig, Caņon City, CO

What did the psychiatrist say to the patient with multiple personalities?

"Let's be Frank for a while."

Ben Bobb, Spokane, WA

What kind of religious experiences do ophthalmologists have?

Peripheral visions.

Ben Bobb, Spokane, WA

A Story About Rats

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill,he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs,the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions,so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Republican."

Diane Henderson, Cincinnati, OH

Actually, this is a sequel to the joke about the man who rings bells with his face (the punchline being "his face rings a bell"). The next day, another man comes in to see the bishop, and says "The man who fell to his death yesterday was my brother. I would like to take his place as your bell-ringer in his honor." The bishop agreed to hear the man ring the bells. As the man picked up the hammer and swung his arms, he suffered a sudden, massive heart attack and died on the spot. Two priests heard the bishop's moan of angiush and came running. When they got there and found the dead man, they asked "who was he, bishop?" Andthe bishop replied...wait for it..."I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Ben Scott, Cambridge, MA

How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they can't get up that high.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are described in the Bible?
A. God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A. Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A. 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

Sharon Devol, Canyon Country, CA

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