A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 26, 1999

Female: Wow , this bus is really crowded... sir, would you mind giving me your seat... I'm pregnant.

No problem.. here, take my seat. You know, you don't look pregnant... how far along are you?

Female: Aout 20 minutes... and I'm pooped!

kermit dickerson, reno , nv

So, you two have been married over 50 years... tell me, do you still make love.

Old male voice: Sure we make love... almost every day!

Really? Almost every day?

That's right... almost on Monday... almost on Tuesday... almost on Wednesday...

kermit dickerson, reno, nv

A bachelor farmer died & unforturnately did not go to heaven. He was shown three doors, and could pick his eternal torment. Behind the first door there were people standing on their head on a cement floor. He didn't want that, so they looked behind the second door. There people were standing on their head on a wood floor. Still didn't want that, so they moved to the third door. There people were standing on their feet drinking coffee, but the floor was covered with a foot of manure. This looked good to him, so he chose this room. Just after the door closed, he heard an anouncement, "Coffee breaks over. Everyone back on their head."

Lisa Marten, Eau Claire, WI

A man is discussing his problem with a sleep therapist:

"Doc, I have the same dream night after night. I have to drive this semi truck from St. Louis to Dallas. By the time I wake up in the morning, I've gotten no rest at all, and it's all I can do to get through the day."

"The treatment is simple;" said the therapist. "In your next dream, when you reach Tulsa, pull over at the first rest stop you see, and I'll meet you there and drive the truck the rest of the way."

"You really think that'll work?"

"Try it tonight and see."

That night, the man went to sleep and had the same dream. Sure enough, at a rest stop in Tulsa, He pulled over, and there was the therapist waiting for him. The man slept soundly for the rest of the night and woke refreshed and rested the next morning.

Several days later, the man met a friend of his, who looked like he hadn't slept in weeks.

"Every night I have the same dream;" he said. "There are five beautiful women who take turns making love to me all night long. By the time I wake up, I've gotten no rest at all."

"I had the same problem, and went to this sleep therapist, who fixed me right up. Why don't you try him?"

They parted, and then met again several days later. The other man didn't look any better; if anything he look worse.

"Didn't you go to see the sleep therapist like I told you?"

"Yeah, I did. He took away three of the women, but now he's got me driving this truck from Tulsa to Dallas!"

Steve Davis, North Ogden, UT

Mr. Lizard and Mr. Turtle, who shared a country house, wanted to plant a vegetable garden, and contracted with Mr. Rabbit for delivery of a load of fertilizer.

Mr. Rabbit showed up with the fertilizer the next week, and was greeted at the door by the butler.

"May I see Mr. Lizard?" said Mr. Rabbit

"Mr. Liz-ARD is out in the YARD." said the butler.

"Well, then, is Mr. Turtle available?"

"Mr. Tur-TEL is down by the WELL."

"Could you get them a message for me?"

"What is it?"

"Tell them that Mr. Rab-BIT is here with the manure."

and a quick one:

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
answer: A-flat minor!

Steve Davis, North Ogden, UT

You mentioned you travelled in Sweden last summer. Just like in the Midwest, it is a proper here never to take the last helping of food at a dinner with guests. One night, six people were eating dinner, enjoying an exceptional batch of swedish meatballs. There remained only one, and, in spite of great desire, no one took it, no matter how the hostess urged. Suddenly, the lights went out. As the hostess fixed the fuse, a bloodcurdling scream was heard. The lights came up, revealing someone holding a fork with the last meatball, while sticking out of the arm were four other forks :-)

Lisa Geiger, Bromma, BR

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Mogadishu who?

K Sanders, Sherman, TX

1. So, does eatting food with preservatives make the mortitians job easier or just frustrate the worms?
2. So, is singing during the morning toilet really just noises of departure?
3. So, is the undertrodden's fight for equality and freedom really just a struggle for getting even?
4. So, is the road to world peace just a dead end?
5. At the State Penitentiary, prison inmates are not allowed to light up when they fight because then they'd have a no holes barred match.

Ken Craig, Shawnee, OK

Yo Mamma's so fat, when she steps on the dance floor, the band skips

Thomas Gaytan, Dallas, TX

How many Kennedy's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to hold the light bulb, and the rest to drink until the room spins.

Thomas Gaytan, Dallas, TX

Home | Next Page
[an error occurred while processing this directive]