Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 26, 1999
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Great big holes all over Australia.
Joan Dionne, Ithaca, NY
So, Jones and Skyler have been attorneys at the same law firm for years, in competition with each other for a partnership in the firm. While walking home one night, Jones finds a lamp, rubs it, and a genie appears.
"I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you want , Mister Skyler gets double," says the genie.
"Very well, my first wish is for $5 million dollars,"said Jones.
"Then Skyler gets $10 million,"answered the genie.
"Second I want a villa on the French Riviera,"said Jones.
"Skyler shall have two villas," said the genie.
"I know, and thirdly I want you to beat me have to death!!" said Jones.
John Herrmann, Prosperity, PA
What did the fish say when it ran into a cement wall?
Amy Rindfleisch, Northfield, MN
Moe and Joe walk into a bar. Moe says to Joe, "You didn't see it either?"
Kathy Bown, Champaign, il
Al Gore and Dan Quayle were in New Hampshire campaigning. In the spirit
of bipartisanship, they shared a tiny "puddle jumper" airplane between
the smaller campaign stops. After one stop, they were joined by a
Catholic priest and an Orthodox rabbi, who were on their way to a
ecumenical retreat deep in the New Hampshire woods. As they crossed the
White Mountains, the plane lost power and the pilot bailed out. They
quickly found out the reason for the pilot's haste -- the plane had only
four parachutes. Gore shouted, "I'm the Vice President. I have to
survive!", grabbed one of the remaining three 'chutes, and jumped.
Quayle shouted, "I'm the only hope for the Republican party and I have
to survive!", grabbed another 'chute, and jumped.
The priest turned to the rabbi and said, "Rabbi, I am an old man. I
have never married and have no family. You, on the other hand, have a
wife, children, and even grandchildren. They will feel your loss
terribly. Take the last parachute and save yourself."
The rabbi calmly replied, "Fear not, Father, there are still two 'chutes
left. Dan Quayle jumped with my tallis and tefillin."
David Weintraub, Edison, NJ
According to Catholics how many days are in a year?
-320-the rest are "Lent"
One day, Jesus noticed that his robe was getting old and frayed. He made inquiries about where to get a new robe and everyone said that Samuel of Jerusalem was the best in town.
So Jesus visited Samuel and got measured. A week later, he came back and Samuel had made a magnificent robe that fit perfectly. "This robe is terrific! How much do I owe you?" asked Jesus. Samuel replied, "It's been an honor to make this robe for you. I couldn't accept money for it. However, if you wanted to, you could mention at your sermons that you got your robe from Samuel of Jerusalem."
Jesus hit the lecture circuit and at the end of every sermon said, "Say, folks. Have you noticed this great robe? I got it from Samuel of Jerusalem."
Time passed. Jesus noticed that his robe was getting frayed again, so he stopped in to see Samuel the next time he was in town. Samuel was overjoyed to see him. "It's great to see you again! You've been great for my business! I can't keep up with orders. I need to expand my business and would like to go into partnership with you. We could call it 'Samuel and Jesus.'"
Jesus thought a moment, then said, "How about calling it 'Jesus and Samuel?'"
They compromised on "Lord and Tailor."
Erika Lim, Seattle, WA
(A riddle, actually):
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
Randy Stukes, Woodstock, GA
What's the difference between your lover, a prostitute, and your wife? Your lover says, "are you through already," a prostitute says, "aren't you through yet?" and your wife says "beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
A traveling salesman stopped overnight at a motel in a small town. There was very little to do there, so he went to dinner, saw a movie, and thought he'd turn in early. As he was getting ready for bed, he saw a machine with a small hole in it in the bathroom that said, "Wife Away from Home, $ .25." "Sex in a machine," thought the salesman, "what will they think of next?" So he fitted himself into the machine, inserted a quarter and waited. He shortly felt an excrutiating pain. "This is awful," thought the salesman. The machine continued for a minute and then stopped. When he removed himself from the machine, there was a button sewn onto the end of his penis. (I have yet to meet a man who like this joke, but women invariably do!)
Sissy Dix, Houston, TX
Q: What do you get when you cross a potato and a sponge?
A: I don't know, but it sure soaks up the gravy.
Frank Markley, Ashland, OH
Home | Next Page