Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 26, 1999
A woman walks into the doctor and says "Doctor, Whenever I get nervous (pffft)OOPS sorry, I fladulate uncontrolably. They don't make (pffft), oops sorry again, any noise and they don't smell but I know it happened and it, (pffft) oops, still really embarrasses me making it (pffft) happen even more." (pffft)
Doctor says after a bit of thought, "Have this perscription filled and come see me in a week."
The woman replies "Will this help the gas problem doctor?"
"No," he says "but it will clear up your sinuses and the appointment next week is for hearing test."
Todd McKay, Sylvania, OH
A quick one liner...
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
Don Dougherty, Ludington, Mi
One day a young american and his girlfriend decided to visit an art museum during their vacation in France. Wanting to impress his girlfriend with his knowledge of the language, he pointed to a fly high up on the wall and said, "Le mouche." A frenchman standing near tried to correct him, "No, monsieur. Ees la mouche. Ees feminine." The american looked at him for a moment, then looked back at the fly. He said, "You must have got yourself some incredible eyes, man."
Pamela Miles, Whitefish Bay, WI
A man appears before St. Peter. St. Peter says, "Before I can let you into Heaven, I have to know if you've done anything especially good."
"Well," says the guy, "once I was in a bar, and I noticed this big mean biker trying to force his attentions on a poor, frail woman. She was obviously terrified, and no one else in the bar was brave enough to help her. So I went over, tapped the biker on the back, and said, 'Look here, you big ugly cuss, let this woman alone, or I'll take you on single-handed.'"
St. Peter is impressed. "That's a pretty noble action," he says. "And when did this happen?"
Guy looks at his watch. "About three minutes ago."
Brad Strickland, Oakwood, GA
It was a really severe rainstorm, the plane was shaking badly and the passengers were getting so upset the flight attendant finally got on the P.A. system and asked, ³Could someone please do something religious?
³Sure, I said.. and I took up a collection!
³So, howıs your husband doing?
³Heıs at deathıs door ... but the doctor is trying to pull him thru.
(drum rim shot)
³My father was a great conductor.
³Oh? Orchestra or train ?
³Neither one... lightning hit him!
"It was a terrible rain storm... the flooding was so bad... I actually saw a man floating down the river on his cello."
"Yes, ... and his wife accompanied him on the piano!"
(drum rim shot)
kermit dickerson, reno, nv
Goerge knocks on the door of his neighbour, Ted. The door is answered by Ted's wife.
"Is Ted in?" asks George.
"No" says Ted's wife, tearfully. "I'm afraid he had a heart attack during the night and died".
"Oh dear" says George, alarmed. "...Oh dear.......... ......Did he say anything about a tin of paint?"
Colin Richmond, Nottingham
A farmer's barn catches on fire and he calls the local volunteer fire company to come put it out. They arrive and assess the situation, place their men and equipment safely at the perimeter of the fire and begin to douse it with water. Their timid strategy doesn't appear to be working so the farmer calls the volunteer company from the neighboring township to assist the local boys.
The neighboring fire fighters arrive at in a broken down old fire engine traveling at great speed and drive smack into the middle of the fire. They hop out of the truck amidst the burning barn and begin fighting the fire with great vigor. Soon the neighboring fire fighters have the blaze extinguished.
After the fire is out, the farmer thanks the neighboring company and pledges a $1,000 donation to their unit. At a ceremony honoring the farmer for his generosity and the fireman for their bravery, a report asks the captain of the neighboring fire company what he intends to do with the $1,000. "Well, first thing we aim to do is fix the brakes on the old fire engine."
Frank Evangelisti, Binghamton, NY
A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "we don't serve string in here." The string walks out of the bar. A man sees the string and says, "hey, buddy...let me help you." The man pulls out a knife, shreds both ends of the string and then ties the string up in the middle.
The string walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "ain't you the string I just threw out of here?" And the string says, "no, I'm a frayed knot."
Dave Miess, Oregon, WI
President Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Vice President Gore arrive in heaven after Air Force one crashes. God is setting at a desk and says to enter heaven I need to know if each of you are worthy. He points to President Clinton and asks why should I let you in? I was the leader of the greatest nation in the world and helped a lot of people. God said you can enter, have a seat on my right. God pointed to Vice President Gore, why should I let you in? Vice President Gore says I was the Vice President of the greatest nation in the world and helped a lot of people. God said you can enter, have a seat on my left. God points at Hillary, why should I let you in? My name is Hillary Rodam Clinton and you are sitting in my seat.
Ron Starnes, Monroe, NC
Home | Next Page