A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
March 29, 1999


A Jewish boy wasn't doing too well in his math class at the yeshiva. His mother, having tried everything else, including a tutor, decided to send him to the local Catholic school.

In almost no time, the boy was doing better. In fact, he was excelling--performing better than any of the other children in his class. His mother was intrigued.

"Do they use different books?" she asked.
"No," her son replied.

"Do they teach that 'new' math?" she asked.
"No," her son replied. "It's the same as at the old school."

"What's so different, then?" she asked.
"Well," he said, "When I walked into the classroom and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew I'd better pay attention."

Lori Baird, Long Island City, NY


Last night, I went to the supermarket to buy matzoh and saw something new. It was Bran Matzah. On the box was written, "Let My People Go."


Tom Betz, Dobbs Ferry, NY


Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight... the Murphy twins are getting drunk again."



Tom Betz, Dobbs Ferry, NY


This Irish guy shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and calls the bartender for three more. The bartender says, "hey, pal, I don't mind bringing one at a time, then they'll be fresh and cold."

"Nah... ahm preferrin' that ya bring 'em three at a time.
You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub
and drink and have good times. Now one is in Australia,
the other in Canada and I'm here. We agreed before we
split up that we'd drink this way to each other's honor."

"Well," says the bartender, "that's a damn good sentimental thing to do. I'll bring the pints as you ask."

Well, time goes on and the Irishman's peculiar habit is
known and accepted by all the pub regulars. One day, the
Irishman comes in and orders only two pints. A hush falls
over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures something
happened to one of the brothers. A bunch of the regulars
corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find
out what happened.

With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two
pints and says, "Here's your pints... and let me offer
my sincerest condolences. What happened?"

The Irishman looks extremely puzzled for a moment.
When the light comes on in his head, he starts laughing.
"No, no! 'Tis nothing like that. You see,
I've given up drinking for Lent."


Tom Betz, Dobbs Ferry, NY


The University of Colorado (Denver) was doing research on the aging process of dolphins and porpoises, injecting them with an extract from the brains of baby seagulls. The success rate was very promising, slowing the process considerably, and some of the animals were apparantly not aging at all.
They had no problem obtaining the test animals, but since Denver is so high, they had to truck in the gulls from Utah, and the west coast. During one of the shipments coming in, however, the truck driver ran over a wild animal that had earlier escaped from the Denver State Zoo and found its way on to I70.
The driver was promptly arrested for crossing state lions with young gulls for immortal porpoises.


Bill Worden, Sedan, KS


MONTANA GRIZZLY BEAR NOTICE

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells
on their clothing so as not to startle bears that
aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to
carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter
with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for
fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should
recognize the difference between black bear and
grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and
contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly
bear poop has little bells in it and smells like
pepper.




Tom Betz, Dobbs Ferry, NY


Q: Why did the snail paint a big letter S on the side of his new sports car?
A: He wanted everyone who saw him to say, "Wow, look at that S-car-go!"


Meredith WilliamsAge: 15


Home | Next Page
[an error occurred while processing this directive]