Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 29, 1999
While driving through Minnesota farm country, a traveling salesman's car breaks down and he is left to walk for help. He happens upon a farm house with lots of activity and is approached by the farmer. While explaining his situation, the salesman notices a three-legged pig running by. The salesman asks the farmer, "How come that pig has only three legs?" The farmer replies, "That's a very special pig! That pig is very intelligent. Why one night last winter, while me and the family were asleep, the wood stove caught fire and if it weren't for that pig running through the house and waking us up, we'd all be dead! I tell you, that's a very special pig!"
The salesman agreed that that was truely a remarkable story but he reminded the farmer it did not explain the three legs. The farmer then said " That is a very special pig! Last summer while I was plowing the field, I wasn't paying attention and drove the tractor over a bank and I was knocked out. When I came to, the tractor was on top of me. I hollered for help and it was that pig that heard me and went and got help. If it wasn't for that pig, that tractor would have crushed me to death. THAT, is a very special pig!"
Again, the salesman agreed that the pig was legendary but it still did not explain the three legs, so again he asked the farmer to explain. The farmer replied, "Well' if you had such a smart pig, you wouldn't eat him all at once, now would you?"
Alex Fiato, Binghamton, NY
Seems there was this nasty biker riding his hawg down the highway one day, when he spots a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thinks to himself, "I'll cut that cat in two"' and he bears down on it hard. As he gets closer, he suddenly realizes that it's not a cat, it's a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plows into it and he's sent flying over the handlebars onto the road at 80 MPH.
Well, when he arrives in Hell, who should be welcoming the new arrivals but the Devil himself. As the Devil shakes the (ex)biker's hand, he asks mockingly, "So, how do you like it here?"
The bad-ass biker replies, "Man, this is one COOL place!"
The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decides to crank up the thermostat a notch.
The next day, the Devil seeks out the biker and asks, "So, how do you like it now?"
Still the bad-ass biker responds by saying, "This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August." Naturally, the Devil is only more angered, and cranks the heat up as far as it can go. The next day, Hell is as hot as it gets.
The Devil again asks the biker how he likes it. Undaunted, the biker proclaims, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers in Death Valley. I love it!"
Now the Devil is just plain mad, so he turns the thermostat all the way down. The next morning, he finds the biker again and asks, "OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?"
With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker inquires, "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Vikings f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?"
Ted Statler, Colorado Springs, CO
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Tom Betz, Dobbs Ferry, NY
Yo mama is SO fat, she has three layers of skin. Dermal, epidermal and PACHYDERMAL!
Dave Peterson, West Concord, MN
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the damned wall this time!"
Tom Betz, Dobbs Ferry, NY
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