Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 29, 1999
You know what would have happened, don't you, if it had been three wise
WOMEN instead of three wise men in Bethlehem? They would have asked for
directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the
stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts.
Joanne Skirving, Portland, OR
Well, seems like down in a county in the bayous of Louisiana, the Sheriff got wind ofSaturday night cock-fighting down at the old abandoned sugar mill. So he sent his deputy down to investigate. When the deputy come back, he say to the sheriff, "They's cock-fightin' goin' on down theah, all right. And they seems to be three criminal elements involved: Aggies, Cajuns, and the Mafia."
"Now hold on a minute, boy," said the sheriff. "The Mafia? You better tell how you done come to this heah conclusion."
"Well," said the deputy, "They's Aggies for sure, on account of somebody done entered a duck in the cock-fight. And they's Cajuns for sure, on account of somebody done went and bet on the duck."
"Well, but how about the Mafia?" said the sheriff, "How kin you 'splain that?"
"Well," said the deputy, "They's the Mafia for sure, on account of because and seein' as how the duck won!"
Tom Kipp, Santa Ana, CA
From the April Atlantic:
God was talking to the first Welshman and telling him about the homeland he had picked out for him. "There is good news and bad news about the country I have picked out for you. First the good news: The country has tall mountains, lush forests, fertile valleys, clear running streams and a bounteous sea at its doorstep. It is one of the most beautiful spots I have on this earth."
The First Welshman said, "That sounds quite marvelous, and I am honored you have selected such a wonderful place for me. But what is the bad news?"
God replied,"Wait til you meet your neighbors."
Robert Redfern, Morgan Hill, CA
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!!"
Tom Betz, Dobbs Ferry, NY
If Helen Keller falls in the forest, does she make any sound?
Don Merrill, Pocatello, ID
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it.By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Elizabeth Dewey, Bay City, MI
Bill Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal, was walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance.
He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, "George, you were always wise, what should I do?"
Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, "ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER." Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President thinks he'll try it again.
He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request to Americas author of the Declaration of Independence and one of its great early philosophers. "Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally people behind me?"
Again a voice from above answers, "WELFARE, ITS NOT WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER."
After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial for guidance from the President who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified. "Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me. What should I do?"
After a substantial pause Abe responds, "TAKE THE DAY OFF GO TO THE THEATER."
Tom Betz, Dobbs Ferry, NY
There was a penguin on a cross america driving tour -- is was slow in the antartic, was on his annual vacation. When he was in Arizona, the penguin saw his oil light come on and decided that he'd best get it looked at. He stopped at a garage adn they told him to come back in a half an hour so they could look at it. The penguin then walked up the street, and he spotted an ice cream store. To a penquin in the desert, nothing sounded better than ice cream. SO he went in an order a big bowl of vanilla ice cream. Unfortunately, the penguin didn't have hands, he only had flippers, so he really made a mess of things but then he saw it was time to go back to the garage. The penguin waddled back up the street to the garage and the mechanic said "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."
"No," the penguin replied, "it's only ice cream."
Anne Skenzich, Minneapolis, MN
Q: What do you call Oklahoma pallbearers?
Vicki Burton, Durant, OK
My father, who was from Minneapolis, told this joke very well. It was probably one of his favorites.
Three bulls, two older ones and one young one overheard the farmer talking about buying a new bull.
The first older bull said, "That new bull isn't going to get any of my cows. I have 26 now and they're all mine!"
The second old bull said, "I have 23 cows and he's sure as hell not goinig to get any of them!"
The young bull added, "I only have 3 cows of my own and I won't share them with anyone!"
The next day a stake bed truck arrived at the farm carrying a gigantic Brahma bull. As he jumped down from the truck sunlight glinted off the tips of his four foot wide, upward curved horns. He had a huge hump that laid over to the side due to its great mass and he was equally well endowed in every other way. When he snorted, dust rose in a cloud around him.
The first old bull said, "He looks like a fairly nice guy. I guess he can have a few of my cows."
"I agree", said the second old bull. "He seams like a pretty decent fellow. He's welcome to some of my cows, if he'd like."
The young bull turned toward the huge Brahma and began to snort and paw the ground.
Both old bulls said, "You're not going to fight him, are you?!!"
"Hell no." the young bull answered. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!!!"
Dan Shotwell, Spencer, oh
A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm
are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they
find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The
Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in
the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in
Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner
says, "I want those two back in the office right after
Rod Doe, Seattle, WA
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