Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 29, 1999
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confessional and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three
times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this stall either."
Tom Betz, Dobbs Ferry, NY
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wood floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and went to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to great them with the same offer. The mice answered, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things going since you have been here?"
The cat stretches, yawns, and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!"
Tom Betz, Dobbs Ferry, NY
One day, Moses, Jesus and a little old man went golfing. Moses teed up his ball and proceeded to hook it into the pond. He walked down to the pond, parted the waters and chipped his ball up on to the green. Jesus was next and also hit his ball into the pond, but his ball floated upon the waters. Jesus simply walked across the pond and chipped it up onto the green. Finally the little old man stepped up to the tee. Alas, his shot also went into the pond. A fish neared the surface and grabbed the golf ball and just then a huge eagle swooped down from the sky and snagged the fish in his talons. As the eagle flew over the green, the fish released the ball. It hit the ground, glided across the grren and plopped into the hole. Jesus turned to the old man and said, "Dad, if you're going to play, at least play fair!"
Carter Wolfgang, Burnsville, MN
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't stop and ask for directions.
Lori Wolfgang, Burnsville, MN
DISCLAIMER: These jokes aren't original. But is any joke really original, anyway?
1. At a restaurant, after motioning with his hands several times to a waitress to get her attention, Dan Quayle complains to the manager: "I've been fingering your waitress for a long time already, but she does not come."
2. At a dinner party, Barbara Bush asks her guests if they would care to try her special filet mignon. A vegetarian, the Senator seated next to Dan Qualye politely replies, "Thank you, but I'm afraid not." But Dan Quayle eagerly tells Mrs. Bush, "I'll try it. I'm not afraid."
3. Arriving at a French restaurant together, Dan Quayle asks his wife about "val-et" parking. She corrects her husband, saying, "that's val-ey parking, dear." Once inside the restaurant, Dan asks his wife if they'll be having the "buff-et." Again, she corrects her husband, "that's buff-ey, dear." After dinner Dan asks for the bill. Alarmed, he tells his wife, "Oh no! I left my wall-ey in the car!"
4. In a conversation with Boris Yeltzin, Dan Quayle says he has great admiration for Karl Marx. And he adds: "But my favorite is Groucho."
5. At a dinner in honor of former Senator Bob Dole, who was half an hour late for the ceremony, Dan Quayle announces the honoree's arrival. "Finally, here comes the late Senator Dole."
6. Dan Quayle thinks that Joan of Arc is the wife of Noah.
7. One late evening in his youth, while leading his anti-kidnapping team in tracking down a notorious criminal group that had reportedly holed out in a forest, Dan Quayle noticed a movement in the bushes. He trained his flashlight on a figure and shouted, "Freeze!" As the figure stopped dead in his tracks, Mr. Quayle's assistant whispered to him, "Sir, that person is the head of our advance party." Hearing this, Mr. Quayle turned to the person and shouted, "Okay, defrost!"
8. During the Gulf War, travelling with some friends from Saudi Arabia, Dan Quayle and his group are captured by Iraqi soldiers as they cross the border. The Iraqi captain informs Mr. Quayle that instead of being shot, they can choose to be injected with the AIDS virus. While his companions choose to be shot, Mr. Quayle says he preferrs to be injected with the virus. Despite protests from his companions, Mr. Quayle assures them that they have nothing to worry about. He whispers to them, "These guys are dumb. They don't know that I can't get AIDS. I'm wearing a condom!"
9. Dan Quayle asks a long-distance telephone operator what the time difference is between Washington DC and California. The operator replies, "Just a minute." At that, Mr. Quayle says, "Thank You," and hangs up.
10. At a bar in Washington, the man to Dan Quayle's left tells the bartender, "Johnnie Walker, single." And the man's companion says, "Jack Daniels, single." The bartender approaches Mr. Quayle and asks, "And you, sir?" He replies, "Dan Quayle, married."
11. At the entrance of a pub, Dan Quayle stops his group and says they must not enter. He explains, "See that sign? UNDER 18 NOT ALLOWED. There's only eleven of us."
12. After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd ben working on for quite some time, Dan Quayle proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. "It only took me five months to do it," Dan brags. "Five months? That's an incredibly long time to spend on one puzzle," the friend exclaims. "What do you mean," Dan says. "That's really quick. The box says 4 to 7 years."
Mikki Unson, Northfield, MN
A gentleman went to see his doctor and asked if the doctor had any Viagra. "Certainly," responded the doctor,
"How many would you like?" "Only four," answered the man,
"And please cut each one into four pieces." "But sir," said the doctor, "The Viagra won't work like that."
"Young man," said the gentleman, "I'm 84 years old, and the last thing on my mind is sex. I want my thing to get up just enough so I quit peeing on my shoes."
Terrence (Terry) LIETZ (Pronounced LEETS), Savannah, GA
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